by Vicky
(United Kingdom)

Im the youngest of four children. Now 26 and have a long history of mental health issues. I had no sense of security at home from a very youn age and it did not feel like a safe place to be ever. My dad had left us in debt and he used to bury his head in the sand as my mum put it. From a young age all I can remember was knowing that we were trapped in loads of debt and no one was confronting it and dealing with it like it was spiralling out of control. my mum also said he used to cut off his nose to spite his face. My dad was never there so i had no relationship with him. All my mum would do was to bad mouth him angrily and use me as a go between to get shopping money as she didnt want to talk to him. I sense the resentment and hate they had for eachother even at this time. I do not remember any happy playful memories or ever bening happy or building a relationship with my mum. My dad died before i got to know him at 13 so i did not get to know him or develop my own opinion of him. When we did see him i got a feeling of hate, resentment and like he didnt want the hassle from his kids. I got a sense he ddnt want to be near us. as i got older due to my dads debt we had to think about moving and that felt like such an awful thing as it was different. I felt so isolated and sick at this time. I do not remember dad ever playing with me or having fun. My mums bad mouthing of dad, her own isolation, stressed atmosphere at home, chaos, shame and negativity has severely rubbed off on me. We were never encouraged to have friends around or socialise. Never had friends around because of the bad atmosphere. I felt such shame. a few friends did turn up at my house one day and i couldnt let them in because if the shame so i relunctantly agreed to go out and we spent an hour or so on the green sitting in a circle talking. Although my friends had invited me out I didnt know how to have fun as i was never relaxed. i just felt like these other kids are a threat to my survival and i found it difficult to be in their company for too long so after a little while I said I was cold and went home. In middle and high school I even lied about my dads name as I associated the family shame with his name and even changed it a few times, how odd my friends must have thought I was. Going to school I felt isolated, difficulty in being around people, i even fell out with most as i was in my own little trapped world. I spet most days on my own, walked home alone mostly or felt most comfortable on my own.Instead of being in the here and now learning at school my mind would wonder off onto how angry and trapped my mum felt. I kept thinking of her and applied the angry, isolated, hopeless feelings she had and applied all those things to myself, i brought them into my own little world. I never bothered or had the confidence to stand up in class and present something, it was like a huge threat to me. Me being put on the spot and a feeling of interrogation. I made a friend up the road from me and invited him in once but only because I felt I had to not because I genuinely wanted him to come in. I lied about where I slept, or where was my bedroom because I had no sense of which room was mine. I remember I slept in the same bed as my mum a lot of the time. I had panic attacks, heavy breathing goiing to high school, fear of being in a room full of people terrified me and was a threat. i had a middle school trip to lodge hill and i still felt vulnerable, unrelaxed and was so anxious that I was sleeping away from the safety of home. Anyone who would dare be my friend for a few months I thought deep down didnt understand or like me. i always thought they must think im weird. if a teacher would want to talk to me I felt threatened and people noticed when i would walk away when they said mrs x was coming. I remember a very strange bit of behaviour at home and at school. I would actually masturbate when I was quite young maybe seven or eight and it wouldnt be in secret either. I would do it in the louge and my mum and older sister were only in the kitchen! Why? This shames me. The same at primary school. I actually decided I needed the loo and decided to lie down in the cubicle and masturbate. I did the same in class under the table with someone sitting right next to me. I feel so shameful that the only childhood memories I have are shameful, bad ones. Very wierd behaviour. When i was older maybe doing my GCSEs i felt anxious and stressed at home the older I was getting as it meant I had ti go out inti the bug wide brother who is two years older went out to work and I watched as he went. I felt shameful as I was at home and feeling this way and felt like I could feel his pain of being felt 'threathened'. I have serious abandonment issues and im on pills for so called depression but I dont think it is simply depression it is so much mote complicated than that. I have had a few mental breakdowns at home and none of my family understand me. Once when I was about 17 or 18 maybe I spoke out and said I wouldnt want kids, like you. Your horrible. I also think today that in the future I could not cope with kids because of all my serious emotional issues an that scares me. Perhaps im angry at authority because my dad lost his business because of 'that lot' and he lost control like I feel I am today. He also died when i was 13 frim an accident in spain but if im honest I think he took his own life because he went bankrupt, divorced and then died within 2 years. I feel sick and anxious in the mornings when i have to get and and most at ease in bed at night. I sleep a lot more too. I have quit degrees, relationships ad have the same all or nothing attitude because of my shame. i feel abandoned by my dad and also by my mum but i do know they have done the best they could. I cant understand why I cant just except that. I do not know what to do. I feel like im losing my mind, my memory is so bad, i cannot concentrate on ine thing and do a good job such as uni work and Im so easily distracted by my shame.and my motivation to live is shifting as im so confused with my battling thoughts and feelings.i attempted suicide once five years ago but the same feelings have always been with me. I do not feel loved but still feel like a child living in an adults body full of self pity and loathing. I sometimes feel incapable of love as most of the time im angry and confused about hiw im feeling. I always feel like giving up. Please help sorry this is awfully long and muddled up.

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