I sit here at work, mind you, with racing thoughts and flashbacks of my childhood. I just recently left my husband of 7 years, we were together for 15 years and I am now only 32. I see now that we were co-dependent. He is bipolar and me with my abandonment issue. Even when I knew in my heart I wasn't happy, I stayed, I struggled to "council" him when he was depressed and suffered when he was manic! He emotionally abandoned me a long time ago.
A couple of months ago I began looking up and researching my feelings/ emotions I was going through at the time. I've come to learn that I have abandonment issues.
I was physically, mentally, verbally abused. My older sister was sexually abused. All by our step-father, who is still with my mother this present day. I sit here thinking back on my childhood and I now know where it all started. My mom would be "in her own world" all the time. I would try to ask her a question and she would be "glued" to the TV or "glued" to the phone. My step dad would leave my mom quite often and according to my mom, "it was the end of the world".
She tried committing suicide a few times throughout our lives. I grew up with 6 siblings all of which turned out to have their own mental issues. When I was 15 I literally got thrown out of my house for sticking up for my older sister. We both left, I ended up at my best friends house for about 6 months. The entire time I was there I learned a lot, and thinking back now, my mom and step dad did not teach me anything. I knew nothing about emotions and how to express them, knew nothing about even my period, was always ashamed about everything.
I was also picked on constantly by my siblings and my school mates. (forgive me, my mind is cruising with info.) I dreaded going to school but yet dreaded being home! I remember vaguely feeling so desperate and empty when my mom would leave to go to the store without me. I also remember getting very upset when my childhood friend couldn't come with us when we out. I was dependent on her as well. I never ever got emotional support. Any boyfriend I had when I was young eventually would move on and I would be CRUSHED!
I can't go through too many details, like I said, I'm at work. I'm going to buy the iceberg books and start today on healing! I'm very excited to really do this! Please wish me luck! There's a lot of damage to heal from!!!
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