WORKING THROUGH THE GRIEF
I am in a kind of spiritual and emotional limbo at the moment(not for the first time)I am waiting for my house to sell and for my finances to finally balance themselves out.I have been out of work for nearly two years now(my longest period of inactivity)and I battle daily to keep positive.Although it can put a strain on my relationship with my wife and kids.
There has been a silver lining to this cloud though.I have spent this time bonding with my children and fine tuning my parenting skills( thanks to Internet of the mind)I have also grown in this time as more childhood trauma has surfaced, with this period of inactivity.
I have also confronted issues of self worth,particularly around work.In my family of origin a lot of self worth was attached to what job you did and how much money you earned.I have come to the realization that although I am unemployed I am still a loving husband and father and a person of worth.
Don`t get me wrong I see work as a very important part of my life,and will need to do something soon for my own well being.I want my children to see me going out to work and earning a living and i`m sure this will turn around soon, but i know if it dosn`t that i can and have survived mentally and emotionally.
At the moment i am battling the threat of rejection, humiliation and abandonment(mostly imagined), i feel the trauma of my childhood surfacing,(years 0-2)and i believe i had little or no security at that age. i am grateful to be healing, although the pain and anxiety are sometimes excruciatingly painful.I Feel my world could come crashing down ,that i cannot protect my wife children from humiliation, that i am lost in a sea of grief and fear, but i do get relief when the tears finally come.
Even as i write i realise these feelings are irrational and are probably being released from childhood. In fact, I have only recently accessed this grief of these early child hood years,since i began listening to the weight lose meditation c.d. and began to loose weight over the past months.It`s amazing the amount of grief, a few pounds of fat can suppress.
I have 15 years of continuous sobriety(THANK GOD,AND A.A.) and I also finally gave up the cigarettes eighteen months ago. Internet of the mind has been hugely beneficial in helping me understand the stages of adult/child syndrome(and much more)I had some knowledge of recovery from the trauma of dysfunctional families,but Don Carter explains it in more succinct terms that have helped me through the stages of the grieving process.
It seems the further i want to go on in recovery the further i have been taken back.Only two nights ago,I was meditating and i suddenly saw myself as a two year old kid at the edge of a cliff, i had to pull myself back, in case i fell over the edge, i seemed insecure and unhappy. I hugged that little kid and told him everything would be alright.
I feel at last i am grieving what should have been and getting closer to the real me.(although,i know my work will never completely finish)It`s one thing to see adult/child states of recovery down in black and white but to actually experience working through the grief and coming out the other side is amazing.
So thanks Don for your website it has really helped me work through a lot of shit.More than anything it has given me a means of expression,which i didn`t have before.Imagine sharing this little lot in an A.A. meeting or over coffee,i`d have even less friends then iv`e got now,Ha,Ha.
Seriously though,Just writing all this down is very healing.Your advice and kind words have also restored my faith in men in recovery.you are non-judgmental and have a deep understanding of recovery from abandonment and addiction, which apart from being pretty rare,is a godsend.
ALL THE BEST. Coamhin