Wish these abdonment issues would go away

by Kathy
(Akron, Ohio, U.S.)

I lost my mother and father as a child around age 12. They had many health problems. After my mother died I was sent to live with relatives. My 3 siblings were sent to other relatives homes. Always felt like an outsider. Hard to get close to people. My aunt died about a year after I moved in with her family. From there I went to Aunt to Aunt to Grandmother.

I was always reprimanded for doing something wrong, My family was gossipy about me and my siblings and mean for sport. They boasted how they took care of their sisters' children -- in front of other people -- as if they cared. But were cold behind closed doors. It was a show.

I am now 59 and any time I get close or near a relationship these issues still appear. I have been married twice. First husband was domineering - not a bad person, but a bully. I felt like I was his property. Second husband was a sweet talking man who left me paying his bills. I read self love is the answer. Well how the hell do you get there. I have done counseling -- but I have the same issues. Help.

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Oct 11, 2012
thank you for your input
by: Anonymous

I am just so tired of this pain which only rears its ugly head when I seem to get a little close in a relationship. I have spent lots of $$ on counselihng and I just can't do it agian. I am too tired. A book may work, and a book may not work. Who knows. I have always felt that my relatives should have been kind and just had us all put down (like a dog) when our mother died. It would have been kinder and humane! I feel like a hopless loser.

Oct 10, 2012
Not "go away" - Heal
by: Don

Hi Kathy,

Many people are under the impression that when they learn enough about their pain that it will "go away". In reality, abandonment pain needs to be attended to so that a healing process can begin.

It is like that little girl you were back then, is still there back then, but inside you here-and-now. She needs you to take care of her. She needs you to use your ability to "go inside" and be with her. She needs your time, attention, affection, and direction.

In fact, you will be able to tell if what I just said is true, because she will be responding to it somehow... a tear in your eye, or a feeling in your stomach, or heart. Maybe a lump in your throat. Can you feel her?

Find a therapist who knows about Inner Child Work, or ego-state therapy, or Inner Family Systems Therapy. We also have structured programming here on our membership website that will keep you busy for weeks if you are ready for recovery.

Here is a link to check it out: Thawing the Iceberg Online

Take Care,

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