Why haven't I been able to find this after all this time, I have been in counseling 3 times over 14 yrs .
It is funny but not that I have needed to put a name on all my Shame. I knew where is came from my father. at 15 yrs old and up to 16yr. Ran away from home twice. Ended up living with an abusive aunt. Who was also Shaming. Anyway I have wanted all these years to be free from emotional pain. Even in counseling they never really dug deep into it. They just skip over it. All the layers of it. I see in your website but in counseling they never didn't. Or they send you to a group so you can share your feelings but that goes no where because then it becomes a crutch that people don't seem to want to leave. They just want to keep taking about there abuse or pain. Or they try to get you into yoga or meditation which is wrong and can open doors into the demonic. A lot of people just say move on everyone was hurt but Shame is crippling emotionally. It can paralyze you from going forward and having a reward and fulfilling life. I am still effected by it. Even with a christen counselor they still didn't get what I needed.
Now I think I begin to see that my Father must have been Shamed. My Aunt must have been Shamed too by her Father who was a horrible alcoholic.
I had a wonderful priest who prayed over me and several other times that hit on this spot and opened up a flood of emotions on me dealing with this shame. All these feelings of anger came to the surface that I had no idea was there buried under layers of walls / or feelings that I cover it over with. He touch a spot in my soul that I wouldn't let anyone touch just with prayer. I knew I had issue's with my dad but I never realized how anger or how much anger was repressed (inside of me towards him) I remember going home and yelling I hate you, I hate you! I hate your guts! All night long. I never realized it. A friend of mine prayed over me about 7yrs ago and I got up and said no more because she said she saw a blockage in me see could not go any further. Now this priest finds it through prayer and talking with me and draws it out. I felt like a huge bag I was carrying was broke wide open and all the contents spilled out. ( my emotional makeup)
I am not saying I am completely healed and well. But what I am saying is I am on the path. And this website is just what I need right now. What I have been searching for because I don't think even with all the friends you have and family members who grew up in the same household nobody really gets it. They don't have a clue how to help or even know that that is what you are dealing with. Any being the only one who has gone into counseling out of 5 children I am the one who needed the most help. Or saw things as they really were. Not being able to trust the people you should be able to trust in all the world to get your needs met no wonder I was day dreaming in school. Was not focused at all. Only two teachers made and effort to challenge me. But then they probability see what is really going on in a students life?
Anyway My dad was probably Shamed too. Now I don't feel so bad. It makes more sense. I can understand it all now. I never believed my needs would get met. Even to this day I have a hard time believing I can meet my own needs. I don't blame God for any of this. Because now I can understand what this was all about. This has consumed my entire life. Crippled me Emotional.I have always felt like I am waiting for my life to begin. To change for the better and it hasn't. It just kept me paralyzed in fear. Always watching other people having a life. Having a good time. Making friends going places. Having money. I have struggle just to make enough to survive pay check to pay check. Working in a low paying jobs for over 30yrs taking care of the elderly but at my age I can't keep doing this. I am working with 20yrs. I have gone to college but even teacher's minimize you or ask you if you should do something else. There job is to teach period. If they can't do that or run into a student that has a hard time they need to go the extra mile to help that student learn whatever it is that they want to learn. It is about teaching and not staying in a job and getting prestige for doing nothing but giving assignment. that should tell them or Challenger them to use there brain. They are not getting paid to teach easy learner's or students who get things right out of high school but to stay challenge and engage in the real life work of teaching any student no matter what.
I am really grateful for this information. I am feeling like there might finally be light at the end of the long dark tunnel...
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