When Will it STOP!
Kinda nervous. :)
I just turned 48,female, youngest(twin),6 of us all together, oldest 58. I can honestly say I think my family has cornered the market on dysfunction. You name it we have it or it's happened. Most days I'm surprised that I'm 48 because my thought process has really never changed from as far back as I can remember (back to the age of 2). So I will do my best to condense 46 years of confusion, fear, guilt, shame, abuse, abandonment - you get the picture? :)
Born in December 1963 twin sister - we were and still are like night and day. She the quiet one , me not so quiet. I was very protective of her. To this day I believe that bad things happened to me and not her because I was the stronger between the two of us. She seems to have grown up in a different family. She doesn't remember anything like the rest of us do. It's like she went through life in a bubble, but its more like she was a ostrich with her head in the sand. Anyway, my father was a very abusive alcoholic, beat my mother and my oldest brother ( he's gay with many mental problems- go figure) My parents were married for 17 years and he was in and out of jail during those years. Liked to jump on trains every so often. All the things that generally happen in an abusive alcoholic situation- did happen, too numerous to list, (as far as dysfunction we were given our fair share and then some). My father went to cash his paycheck on a Friday afternoon when I was 5 and never came back. Mom moved us,went to school became an LVN and let us grow up. My dad came around once about 8 months after he left and he had his new girlfriends son with him. I'll never forget it. At that moment I didn't really understand what had happened but boy has it affected me all my life.
Not only did he abandon me(us)but he actually replaced me(us) with other kids. I have not been able to let loose of that fear for most of my life. It has affected my relationships severely. All of us have been greatly affected. So have our spouses and children. My mom remarried when I was 8 to a guy she was sure was it. Guess what- he was far from it. He had a few problems - Peeping Tom which then turned into rapist, (not any of us) but what we didn't know (Looking back I think my mom had suspected)is that he had been watching us for 12 years (holes in the walls,curtains...). He violated my most personal moments ie: using the toilet,(to this day no-one is allowed in the bathroom with me and I place a towel over the mirrors in all hotels ),taking a bath, dressing, exploring my own body (that one caused some serious issues with me)anyway he raped some poor woman went to prison and my mom not only saved money so she could go see him but she brought him back into our lives when we were young teenagers. Yuck!
So long story short, here I sit tonight(1-18-12) having just had another fight with my boyfriend of 6 years because he has been invited the 49er playoff game and I can't help but think he has chosen his friends over me. He's leaving me to be with them. Stupid right- I know. But the fear is so real and so strong and it just comes out of nowhere. It's tearing us apart' I know I'm the one doing it but I don't know how to stop it. I love him and I'm pushing him away. I'm mentally tired, worn out and so is he' I need help.