What about Bob?

I have a brother named Bob. He is 50 years old.
For the last 25 years he has been on drugs, alcohol and a mess. He ruined my parents business years ago and left them penniless in their retirement years.

He has had many apartments where he would not pay rent, trash the place and then get kicked out.

a couple of years ago he came back into the picture after breaking his back and did not have any one else to turn to. My mother and other brother helped find him a room to recover in.

He seemed to be getting better, and my other brother decided to have him help with a rental he was fixing up after a fire. Bob is very talented with construction skills.

Well, he is also very slow and does not have a drivers license due to unpaid fines. He got kicked out of the place he was living (which we helped him find) and my other brother let him move into the rental house he was fixing up. It took him a year to get it to where my other brother could get a loan on it and re-rent it. Bob really wanted to live in it at that time and assured my other brother he could pay the 700 rent every month. So he stayed.

Now a year later, he has not paid a full months rent, and most of the rent he does pay is from jobs where he does something for me and I pay my other brother directly. He has trashed the house, he always says he will do something and most of the time does not do it. My mother has such a soft spot in her heart for him that she just believes he is not so bad.

So now I see him hurting my other brother, and my mother. He lies with every word, but for some reason he is believed. He drives without a drivers license my mothers vehicle sometimes, and more often that I want to admit. But she won't stop him. She doesn't know how. He lives very close to her and has keys. She says he needs to take it to get a job. but he doesn't ever pay rent with whatever job he has.

I feel he is getting worse every day, I don't know what he does with his time, and he collects junk and my brother gets notices from police for trash around house all the time.

But we have no clue where he will go when he gets evicted, and so it is so hard to do the next step. Please help us see through the closeness of the situation.

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Mar 15, 2017
After many years of helping our son, I had to flee!
by: Anonymous

May God help us all! I am a 69 yr. old grandmother of 10. I lost my husband of 50 yrs.1 yr. ago and was left with a 50 yr.old parolee on our property in a motor home. I quickly found this son was going to take the greatest advantage of the four acres andmy being alone and so my son-on-law installed cameras everywhere! It was a one year nightmare with the cameras picking up some of it. I was forced to sell our beautiful home, never dreaming that the sale would be the blessing that would save me from the horror. My son began to carry a huge knife and threatening everyone with talk of a gun. I would call the police, but he would convince them that I went crazy after the loss of my husband. I sold and am now in hiding! I now feel safe and realize I had to run to escape it all....It could have been a weekly series. I am adjusting to my tiny abode that I was forced to flee to, and thank God for the sale. I pray for the son, but know full well, I could never help him. Prayers have no limits of time or space. We never have to be around the addict to pray for them. Our very life can depend on running away ourselves, if at all possible. Grandma Terri

Jul 02, 2014
The family drama
by: Shell

Bob sounds like he's enmeshed in a family circle of co-dependency, like mine. In fact, your family seems so closely tied to mine that we could switch names but have the same characters. My brother is a 42 year old meth addict, but with a mother who believes every lie he utters and a family who willfully, and sometimes unintentionally, supports his addiction - his idleness, his excuses, his lies, his pleas for pity, and so forth.

If your family could free themselves from Bob's addiction, it would finally free Bob to get help for that addiction. After 25 years in this family drama, it is clear that the addict simply can't get help unless the supporters of the addict stop supporting. What would this look like?

Well, your brother could evict Bob from his house, once and for all. If Bob won't go willingly, then do it with professionals. The whole family could go to Al-Anon or the like. Your mother will probably rail against the whole thing - citing all kinds of reasons why Bob needs to be protected and enabled. So you and your brother will probably get a mountain of guilt and shaming techniques designed to pressure you back to former behavior, from both Bob and your mother. So you need to be prepared and have the tools to ride out the storm. Al-Anon or Nar-Anon have helped me so far. (Still not out of the storm yet.)

And as much as possible, keep anger out of it. Anger pollutes the positive moves you can make. Of course with addiction-centered families, we frequently have a great deal of anger. And it's important to acknowledge, to know, and to work through. But also find a place of peace, wherein you and your family can respond to Bob's addiction with love and strength of resolution.

You deserve to be free. And really, so does Bob. Once he can see the real picture of his life, based on the merits of addiction, he will be able to see that addiction has no merits. It doesn't provide you with a home, a family, self-respect, or even true joy. Let him go. And hope. And heal. And live your lives to the fullest.

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