Trying to find me!
As a child I was sexually molested by my father when I was six or seven. My mother is an addict, so she was never really around during my early childhood years. I lived with my grandmother and I just remember wanting my mommy, she would say she would call or come see me. I remember crying all of the time literally weeping for my mommy. Throughout the years I was in and out of foster homes, my mother always was dependent on a man. When I was twelve or thirteen is the first time I actually remember living with my mother, she was either working or at the bar. I was always left alone, I started acting up in school, being disrespectful and thinking people liked me for it. I had a few friends few being the key word. I have always felt different from everyone else, as far back as I can remember and still to this day. I began starving myself and when I did eat I would throw it up, then the cutting began. I would be so hurt and angry it was the only way I could scream for help but there was no one ever there. I began to smoke pot and that led to other drugs as well, the starving and cutting stopped or was less frequent because I finally had that cure to make me feel ok. There is allot I have left out allot, I can remember so many horrible things and I feel that defines who I am. How other people have made me feel my entire life is just who I am, all I am. I'm twenty six now I've been to treatment only to relapse before I left by starting to purge again. I've relapsed with drugs. I am a wife and I am a mother of two beautiful boys whom I love with all of my soul. I'm trying to raise my children when I don't even know who I am, when I can't stay sober for myself or them. I feel such hate for myself for letting everyone down especially my children. I do continue to pray and go to AA meetings on very regular basis and I find it does make me feel better. But like with drugs it's just a temporary fix. I don't want to be this person anymore, I want to let go and start my life over. I think to myself what is my purpose for being here when these terrible things have happened and why I am the way I am when I don't want to be me or should I say this thing I have become, where did my life go, where did I go??
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