Trying to find me!

by Hawk
(New milford)

As a child I was sexually molested by my father when I was six or seven. My mother is an addict, so she was never really around during my early childhood years. I lived with my grandmother and I just remember wanting my mommy, she would say she would call or come see me. I remember crying all of the time literally weeping for my mommy. Throughout the years I was in and out of foster homes, my mother always was dependent on a man. When I was twelve or thirteen is the first time I actually remember living with my mother, she was either working or at the bar. I was always left alone, I started acting up in school, being disrespectful and thinking people liked me for it. I had a few friends few being the key word. I have always felt different from everyone else, as far back as I can remember and still to this day. I began starving myself and when I did eat I would throw it up, then the cutting began. I would be so hurt and angry it was the only way I could scream for help but there was no one ever there. I began to smoke pot and that led to other drugs as well, the starving and cutting stopped or was less frequent because I finally had that cure to make me feel ok. There is allot I have left out allot, I can remember so many horrible things and I feel that defines who I am. How other people have made me feel my entire life is just who I am, all I am. I'm twenty six now I've been to treatment only to relapse before I left by starting to purge again. I've relapsed with drugs. I am a wife and I am a mother of two beautiful boys whom I love with all of my soul. I'm trying to raise my children when I don't even know who I am, when I can't stay sober for myself or them. I feel such hate for myself for letting everyone down especially my children. I do continue to pray and go to AA meetings on very regular basis and I find it does make me feel better. But like with drugs it's just a temporary fix. I don't want to be this person anymore, I want to let go and start my life over. I think to myself what is my purpose for being here when these terrible things have happened and why I am the way I am when I don't want to be me or should I say this thing I have become, where did my life go, where did I go??

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Oct 15, 2012
Work to do...
by: Don

Hello Hawk,

What a survivor you are! It sounds like you are very experienced in Survivor mode, but not very familiar with Growth mode. The former is referred to elsewhere as self=-preservation and the latter self-actualization.

You do have some work to do, but it can be done. The best thing you can do is to find a good therapist who knows about addiction, adult/child syndrome and Inner Child work. Then hunker down for some long term therapy.

If you don't have the resources then you need to go to a meeting everyday...the very first thing to accomplish is abstinence. Once you have that you will have found some ways to sooth the inner pain so you can deal with it without the craving to self-medicate.

Then once you have developed these coping tools you will have initiated self-actualization (growth mode) and won't have to live in survival mode! Remember growth spurts can be painful but they are rewarding!

To get an idea or road map I suggest you read my books on the panel to the right of this page. Which one to get first? Go from the top down. The first one is the main book and the following three are workbooks focusing on specific things we need to know and experience to heal from the past.

Hope this helps!! Let me know if you have questions.


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