Trying to better myself
I am a 24 year old female who lost her mother at 10 to a bad car accident. My dad was still in the picture but he was lost himself. He was always yelling at me if I did not do the dishes, cleaned the house, or did what ever it was he asked me to. And when he would yell, I mean he would scream so loud, bang stuff, and even hit the wall. He never actually hit me though.
Then as the years went by he got worse. I was getting closer to being a teenage and of course I would have attitude and not do what he told me too. He started telling me that I don't care about him, I don't love him, and eventually would tell me he should just kill himself because of the way I was treating him. We were always fighting and everything that was going on was always my fault.
My dad was always dating. He had numerous women in at out of life. He always expected me to be this perfect child and have to like all of them as much as he did. My dad would never take me and my younger sister out on family outing. The only time he took us out to eat, or to the movies is when he had a girlfriend.vHe would also tell us that he never had money to buy us things we need for school, cloths, and even sometimes food. But he always had money for the woman in his life.
As I kept getting older we kept fighting and fighting. These were not healthy fights, they always consisted of yelling and me crying at the end. My dad would not stop until I started to cry, I even tested that theory once and told myself not to cry and he just kept yelling and going on about the same thing. He would bring up things I did in the past, until I would break down and cry.
I would try and talk to my dad calmly sometimes and tell him how I feel. This would never work out, he would always turn it around and it would be all about him and how I was the bad guy. He would also tell me he was going to changed and stop being the way he was. This lasted maybe 2 weeks tops then he want back to the way he always is. Back to the money situation, my dad would say he did not have any money because he had to by groceries, pay the house payment, electricity or whatever. Looking back on it all he could afford all of that with the money he was making. He would spend more money on himself the for me and my sister. He had to go out and buy a new truck then when he did not like that one anymore he big four-door diesel. He bought and traded like 3 motorcycles before settling for a Harley Ultra classic. All of his financial problems were all self-induced but he blamed my sister and I.
My father never really made me feel like he loved me and I was more of burden to him. Now that I am older I feel like I do not know how to show love. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years and he said the same thing. He does not feel that I love him. But I do love him, I love him so much. I do not want to my father, I want to break this cycle. I know I have a lot to give I just need to know how to let of all this fear and abandonment. My boyfriend would also say it always felt like I had one foot out the door, and it was like I was waiting for it to end. He would also tell me how he was feeling and I would not put it back on him I would listen to what he had to say but where I am like my father is I would tell him I would be better and only do it for a short while and revert back. I want to feel compete and not so empty inside, I know I have a lot to give, and I know it is in me to change. I am just really sad I lost a great guy by not doing it sooner.
I have been going to a psychologist for about 3 sessions now and that is helping. I am just trying to get all the help I can.
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