Tired of taking care of everybody and can't even get any acknowledgment

by C Ann
(Jacksonville, Fl)

I have a decent job, my daughter who is 36 lives with me and her 5 y/o daughter. There was a high custody battle that went on for two years, I paid all the legal fees. This pregnancy was out of wedlock and planned. Now my ignorant daughter has been dating an old friend for the past year and he just got out of jail and is on probation for two years, they decided to get pregnant!

My daughter lives with me, I have been supporting my daughter her whole life and my granddaughter since she was born. But it not really about the money, my daughter doesn't even spend time with her 5 y/o, has begun to treat her different since she turned 5 & hooked up with this guy. She is mean, yells and is a bully as a parent at times. I cannot talk to her or it will escalate into an fight and I don't like that around my granddaughter as the child has had a hard enough time adjusting to weekend overnights at daddy's.

I can't stand the though of a new baby in the home and how will my granddaughter feel about that plus on top of it my daughter wants me to let her felony boyfriend move into my home. If I don't then she wants to move out and I can't bare the thought of not being there for my granddaughter. I think all this was manipulated so she can have him move into my house.

My daughter does not hold a steady job and her boyfriends makes good money but it's Seasonal. I think it is emotional blackmail because my daughter know how much I love my granddaughter, she calls me obsessive because I care so much, so I have been trying to detach myself from the child but it's killing me because I live her and just want a stable happy childhood for her.

What should I do? There is so much more to the story. I want her to have an abortion. I can't do this again, wake up for night time feeding, take care of a baby every evening when I get home from work. Now when I get home, I spend my entire evening playing and taking care of my granddaughter while my daughter lays in the bed texting her boyfriend.

Please help, any suggestions?

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Apr 07, 2017
Time to Change Your Story
by: Anonymous

I read your story with compassion and feelings. I think it's time to focus on taking care of and loving yourself. The love you obsessively give your granddaughter is what your inner self desperately desires.

To let go of your daughter is to give up control yourself. You have been trying to control and play God for too long by keeping and trying to manage your daughter. You can not control the outcome of her life, but you can give her space to go out and be on her own. And you can step back and look as a witness rather than judge or rescuer. Or you can say NO here. Something I sense you struggle with. Healthy boundaries and necessary limitations are vital for creating healthy relationships. Your daughter will go as far as you permit her to. Can you now feel and sense impending danger and more drama when you allow an ex convict to occupy your home? Imagine when he moves in with all his Emotional and mental baggages. And will he respect you if your daughter doesn't at all?

What are your intentions? What do you really strive for and desire deep underneath the cloak of your daughter's life? And what about your life? Should you not cultivate and have one of your own rather than your attempts to control the events and lives of those you say you love? This is a double edge sword because your daughter has her​ own feelings and issues with you that are unresolved. The focus needs to be on hearing and getting your daughter to feel safe with expressing her true feelings about you, what she is really angry about and the patterns and life circumstances that evolved to this.

No matter how you claim being the savior here, there are some longstanding emotional unresolves between you and your daughter. You are her mother and she is expressing the kind of love you gave her from the start. I agree with John Bradshaw that our culture is afflicted by an epidemic of poor parenting. This is the perpetuation of an old cycle you enforced while raising your daughter. What guilt do you carry and now try to resolve by being there in this fashion? You have to look within and be brutally honest with yourself. It's time to change the way you tell your story. You should be the main character and not your daughter and granddaughter.

Good luck dear one.

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