Tired of arguing with my Man about his adult son

by Caroline Smithson
(Canada)

To begin, I am a parent of two adult children and have fostered close to 60 youth, half of them until they age out at 18 years old. My job is to teach them life skills and get them prepared to living independently. My partner and I live common law, he has a 20 year old son that was living with us after being kicked out of his Mother's home for the same reasons that upset me. His son (Jay), lived a year at my home, during this time he was required to complete school through an adult education program. Jay needed 4 credits to graduate, which took 9 months of constantly being on top of him to complete his work, as the program was the type to work at his own pace. Yes, he graduated! Afterwards, I was pressuring him to get a job, which he periodically applied for to appease me. Jay was a gamer, he tried to sleep all day and play all night, so job hunting was not on the list of things to do. Jay continued to lie about getting things done, he rarely showered, or changed his clothes and virtually did not socialize unless he required something. Jay finally got a job at Walmart with grocery carts in July. In September Jay decided he was going to college and moved into a basement apartment of a house near the school he would be attending with another friend. Jay went on social assistance during the interim, which barely covered his rent until he applied for school assistance. Jay finally came clean at Christmas that he had no intention of going to school, but just wanted out on his own. Jay occasionally asks for money or food. I am adamant that he get a job and work to be independent, my partner and I argue any time the subject of Jay arises as we see things differently. My partner will bring him stuff when he asks for it, and I see it as enabling him. My partner's concern is that Jay won't be apart of his life if he is not there for him when he needs something. This is a big worry for him, and today I saw my partner get emotional for the first time ever with this fear. I don't want to enable, I want to be supportive in ways that will help him for his future and I'm not willing to continue this for much longer, it will end our relationship if my partner can't draw the line at some point, or Jay gets it together. I'm so tired of having this between us and would like to enjoy his son like I enjoy my own grown children. My children are sociable, hard working adults. Jay lacks social skills and generally sits in a room alone on his laptop during holiday events. I love my man, but I'm so lost

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Feb 25, 2018
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I was in the same situation
by: Anonymous

I know exactly what you are going through. I am in a similar situation. I recently ended a 6-year relationship. My boyfriend lived with me and my son and we got along great. My son is 13, who is a straight A student and involved in various extracurricular activities. My boyfriend has a 24 year old daughter, who is a spoiled brat. She barely graduated from high school. After highschool, she lived with her mother and enrolled in the local community college and took 3 courses. After 1 year, she decided to move to PA to live with her grandparents because she couldn't stand the fact that her mother had asked her to help with house chores. When she called my boyfriend to complain about her mother asking her to do chores, my boyfriend would tell her that her mother is a "B***h". I am horrified how he spoils her.

After staying with her grandparents for 1 year, she met a guy back home. So she asked to go to college, a school that is close to the boyfriend. She was not ready for college. She just wanted to be close to this new boyfriend. Of course, she failed all courses after 1 semester. After that, she got a job and moved in with the boyfriend. Sh claimed that her boyfriend owns the house she moved into. Later, it turned out her boyfriend rents the house with 3 other guys. each time I asked my boyfriend if his daughter had lied to him, or the boyfriend had lied to his daughter, or the two of them have lied to him. Each time, he became angry and tell me to shut up.

After a few months, his daughter quit her job and would not look for a job. She claimed she was depressed. So my boyfriend was paying for her rent, a new car, car insurance, medical insurance, cell phone bills. She would work on odd jobs here and there. Finally, she got a job that pays $1600 a month. A few months ago, the lease of the house she and her boyfriend rent was up for renewal, she had begged her father to buy a house and "rent" to them. My boyfriend bought a house without telling me. He never saw the house himself. His daughter and her boyfriend decided on which house to buy. My boyfriend signed the contract and secured a mortgage. He only told me afterwards. he told me because it was not my business. His daughter is and will always be his #1 priority. Since her boyfriend is keeping her happy, so the boyfriend is more important to him than me.

I feel worried and anxious to have two adults who are dependent, dishonest, and manipulative to be in my life. I am also worried and the two of them will ruin my boyfriend financially. Most importantly, I realized that after 6 years, i really meant nothing to my boyfriend. After 2-day soul searching, i told my boyfriend to move out.

I am sad but i feel peace now. my gut feeling tells me that i have made the right decision.

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