"THEY ARE ONLY TRADING CARDS, AFTER ALL!"
by Kathleen D. Cone
These cards were created by fellow artist Jason Davis
"THEY ARE ONLY TRADING CARDS, AFTERALL!"
I have another story for you, a silly story, a childish story, but one so real and so honest, I just have to tell it because it's something that needs to be said out loud, if I hope to address the challenges I'm having with primal fears.
Many of you know that recently, Jason Davis (Jason Davis is a a fellow artist that I love dearly) created a really fabulous pack of trading cards with practically everyone I love on them...(PHX Cards) and I don't doubt I was included, via a notification that pictures were being taken...(or a general invitation to everyone), but "i was not paying attention".
When I saw the cards online, I got really excited and posted to Jason... 'I want to be on those trading cards, I'll send you a photo so I can be included!" ... (I could see so many people I loved (my son included) and it became very important to me.. even moreso than I ever imaged)...
Jason posted back.. "sorry Kathy, only 'lylt' photographers".. At that time I didn't know what 'lylt photographers' meant.. and it confused me... so I posted a defensive response that ...' I'd been photographing artists for years etc.. in my way of saying... I'm a photographer too!.. so that would somehow make it so I would be 'included''... 'and I could fix things'.. but Jason did not respond...
This started to set off my neurons and I could feel the sense of panic return... I hurriedly researched... what does 'lylt' mean.... and found it was a project of Jason's, "losing your luggage temporarily" and that he'd put out a notice online to be photographed and I'd missed the chance...
I told myself.. it was silly for me to be getting so upset over something so foolish.. it's not as if anyone intentionally left me out.... and afterall they were only trading cards.. and I hurriedly removed my defensive posts to Jason, to protect myself... all the while the feelings of mania were increasing....
I decided.. I'd better get some sleep and when I layed down to do so... the thoughts of being 'left out, because 'I messed up by not paying attention' overwhelmed me and it hurt my feelings soooooo much."
Okay.. 'Huston we have a problem here!' ... so I looked inside.. to see what was going on and I found myself as a child so hurt by the years of exclusion that I experienced by my family and peers because I was not able to fit in and had problems paying attention.....and how a lot of my internal feelings about myself were tied to that very thing....
and I woke Danny.. (bless his heart, he was so kind to me) and told him... "Danny 'Little Kathy' is so very hurt inside... it's silly but I must tell you about how I feel"... and so on... and I was able to reach out to myself.. as an adult to the child inside of me and feel compassion for myself... I said.... out loud.. "Oh Kathy, I'm so sorry that happened to you.. you mean so much to me and I really care that you were not included". and of course I cried.
Just being able to help the child in me defused the panic and I learned something about myself, I obviously hadn't been able to learn, until then.. the depth of how much the child in me needs the adult in me to rescue my own child...
With much Love, *kathy
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