The Other Mother

by Gina
(Albuquerque, NM 87105)

My 25 year old stepson is a meth user now for 7 years (that I know of) doesn't work, lives off people, has been jail at least 13 times. Husband says he's not helping his son anymore but continues to here and there in one form or another.

Its been $150 for the cdl that never surfaced, an air mattress so his son doesn't have to sleep on the floor "at who knows where he is living" place. Just recently $700 for the reason of "to see if he's really going to do it this time. I can't give up on him". Plus many more I probably don't know about.

What's it going to take to convince my husband that the adult kid doesn't want to change because everyone else will worry about him? When will he accept it?

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Feb 16, 2012
In the same boat
by: Co-Co Dependent

I get this 100%. I often refer to myself as a co-co dependent. My husband hides all the things he does to help his son. It's like his drug of choice is his son. I feel like a co dependent to my husband. He hides the things he does to help his son and I will try to make it hard for him to do these things. I try not to look at what he does or pay it any mind, but we have smaller kids, 12 and 13 or are very effected by the dysfunctional relationship these two have. The son is 32 years old. I often tell my husband I want to get a place for me and the kids so they can have a normal life before they are adults. This is the only life they have known. We have been through all of the same stuff as most families with addicts. Fights in the house, police called, brother in jail, brother acting weird in the house on meth. Most recently, we have acquired his 11 month old son because the mother also uses and took off. The son is so loaded all of the time he is useless. Even when he is not loaded, he is to immature and self centered to take care of anyone else. This has been going on for the entire 14 years we have been married. I didn't realize what I was in the middle of at first. It took a couple of years before I realized the gravity of the situation. I have never been able to change anything. I only stay close the God and try to ignore the song and dance they do together. I get really angry sometimes and feel like I have been cheated and my kids also have been cheated. However, there has also been some good come of the situation. I am 100 times more bold than before I got married. I like that because I was such a pushover. My relationship with God stays fairly strong because I either go to Him and trust him or rely on myself and that never works. I always remind myself that these two cannot take from me what God intends for me to have. It is really about taking care of yourself and finding ways to love the parts of your husband that do not have anything to do with the dysfunction.

Feb 23, 2010
It's easy to mistake enabling for "helping"
by: xmkx

It's really easy for a parent to become an enabler to their child's addiction because they just want to help their child. A lot of times it's equally hard for that parent to admit that they have been enabling their child rather than actually helping them.

It might be helpful if your husband had access to information on what he can do to help his son lose the addiction. Instead of focusing on what he's doing wrong, focus on making sure he has access to the knowledge of how to do things right from a professional standpoint. Present this information in a way that emphasizes your concern and desire to help without being judgmental or "pushy".

One possible way of doing this that comes to my mind is simply having him sit down with you and together watch a few episodes of the TV show "Intervention" in which it is emphasized to addict's families that in order for the addict to get better they have to hit rock bottom and that the families to stop enabling their addiction by not allowing them to feel the full consequences of their decisions.

I hope that this information helps.

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