The Anger-Pain-Fear Sludge
I have been dealing with this weird combo of the anger-pain-fear sludge for almost 58 years....I became an alcoholic/addict over it all...but I am "recovering"...IT IS a lifetime process.
Once again it rears it's ugly head today...I work really hard & do all the right things, but someone with power over me at the office changes the rules midstream, and takes money away from me. Then I have an inappropriate level of anger over being unfairly treated...I say what I feel - but after , I feel afraid that I might lose my job...so I call back, and "backpeddle"- I swallow my pride, and cave in...
Now I'm angry at myself....It is the ultimate shame spiral...I have contempt for them and for myself. All this is piled on top of all my abandonment issues...a philandering drunk of a father...a mother who became so depressed she had to be institutionalized...And I am always worried that the other shoe is going to drop...that there will be no food in the fridge...no money...no job...
Back to the top...& it all starts over...
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