I am so grateful to be reading this at this point in my life. I am in fact thawing, and the pain from my childhood is coming up regularly at work, interfering with my ability to take charge, to be a boss and to protect myself from my employee who bullies me when she recognizes me responding like a hurt child. The only way I have been able to combat this is either to stay angry and defended all day or to put on a performance as another person. This feels inauthentic and uncomfortable, so I often choose to let her bully me.
Reading this -and often after a day of being bullied-I shake my head and recognize that my behaviour is counterproductive. Maybe I do need to fake it till I make it. But I have been faking it my whole life and resent having to do that.And so I keep doing it. Leaving myself unprotected. And more shame ensues.
I recognize myself in your analysis, and am hopeful that I can heal. I have alot of positive qualities and abilities and mostly enjoy my life. This particular wound is asking/ready to be healed.