Many people call me a successful, happy, and confident person. Most think I am very kind. Very few know of the inferno that lives in me, though it has died down a lot. My sister killed herself ten years ago, my brother died three years later of cancer. I am alone now to try an reconcile our weird family history that really lead to the destruction of each of us as people.
I am 56 now and I can't find healthy relationships. I have improved alot, especially since my sister died. Her death made me see myself for who I had become, and not who I thought I was. Once I got a glimpse of that ugly person, and realized that because of that ugly person, my sister was so alone that only a bullet could silence her pain, I CHANGED. Now I feel like people think I am gullible and sooo sweet, which is kind of true. I realize I never learned to have a balanced view of anything. My computer veers from one extreme to the other. I am either willing to destroy people, or I want to rescue the world. Just crazy.
I feel so alone in this world, and this despite the fact that I am very popular. I fear the rest of my life will be alone. My heart hungers for the relief my sister has found. But I know I don't have the guts she had, I am a coward. All I know is that I am a mess. I guess I just needed to talk. Thanks.