Successful failure

Many people call me a successful, happy, and confident person. Most think I am very kind. Very few know of the inferno that lives in me, though it has died down a lot. My sister killed herself ten years ago, my brother died three years later of cancer. I am alone now to try an reconcile our weird family history that really lead to the destruction of each of us as people.

I am 56 now and I can't find healthy relationships. I have improved alot, especially since my sister died. Her death made me see myself for who I had become, and not who I thought I was. Once I got a glimpse of that ugly person, and realized that because of that ugly person, my sister was so alone that only a bullet could silence her pain, I CHANGED. Now I feel like people think I am gullible and sooo sweet, which is kind of true. I realize I never learned to have a balanced view of anything. My computer veers from one extreme to the other. I am either willing to destroy people, or I want to rescue the world. Just crazy.

I feel so alone in this world, and this despite the fact that I am very popular. I fear the rest of my life will be alone. My heart hungers for the relief my sister has found. But I know I don't have the guts she had, I am a coward. All I know is that I am a mess. I guess I just needed to talk. Thanks.

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Mar 21, 2012
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starstarstarstarstar 		Successful failure
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your comments. It helps just to know that people care. Thanks.
Mar 21, 2012
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starstarstarstarstar 		You Will Be OK
by: Anonymous

Hi, It's me again. I just wanted to also mention something that I thought might help you...it has helped me and I know it has helped so many others, so it does work. What I am talking about is trying to focus on things in the world...in other words, try to think outside of yourself and what has happened to you, your sister, etc. I am not saying to forget your sister and how much you loved her. But, when we focus on other external issues, it helps a great deal. Even volunteering can help to accomplish that. Furthering my education has been instrumental in helping me move beyond some of the grief and depression I have experienced. One other very important thing is that if your are lacking a neurotransmitter (brain) called serotonin (which causes depression), you might need medication. It is like my thyroid, my thyroid is lacking the hormone needed to function...without this pill, I would eventually die because you cannot live without this hormone, so, I have to take this pill everyday. So, you might, if you have not already done so, speak to your doctor to see if there could be a problem there. Your sister may have been lacking serotonin also because the lack of it does cause depression and this can be hereditary. I believe it is an issue in my own family. Good Luck...you will be ok.
Mar 21, 2012
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starstarstarstarstar 		You Are Not Alone
by: Anonymous

I want to congratulate on reaching out. It is not easy to do but I hope you can realize that you have come a long way and you have so much living ahead of you. I will also say this. There is no such thing as the perfect family and if you connect with others just as you are doing now, you will begin to see that the world is full of people who have been through horrific times just like you but have found a way to move forward. For example, my brother-in-law died about 4 years ago of cancer at the young age of 50. It was a very sad time for the family. But, it was extra hard on his 18 year old daughter who has Anorexia Nervosa and has been battling this disease since she was 12 years old....has almost died on numerous occasions but at 22 is still fighting for her life. I have seen her look like a skeleton weighing 80 lbs and then come back from that. Today, she is doing well...working and reaching out to others as she has done since she became ill and it has made the difference. I am not exception to the rule. Was married to an alcholic who abandoned his family and left me with 2 young children, one who is Down's Syndrome. I remarried and even had another child. Two of my sisters have come through cancer, my dear mother fell and broke her hip at 85 years old and is up and walking like it never happened. My nephew has schizophrenia and crones disease. My husband has ulcerative colitis and is in pain every day but still holds a full-time job. I am from a family of 13 and there are 5 of us who manage with depression by also reaching out and keeping busy. My own health is not perfect, I have osteoperosous, Hashimoto's disease (Thyroid which also consist of nodules that have to be checked every year for cancer)but I am currently doing upgrading courses in order to enter into a nursing program next September. I will be 55 years old. I can only imagine the pain you must feel over your sister's suicide and I too have had a family member who committed suicide and as devastating as it was/is, the family has moved forward because it is important. No one can know another's individual pain but I truly believe your sister would want you moving forward. I also hope you can hold onto the thought that we all deserve to be here and if we stay connected and make the decision that we want more for ourselves, we can be happy and successful in live. I will pray for you. Take one step at a time....one day at a time...it will come...I promise you that.

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