I come from a birth family of 6 girls - the oldest was born Epileptic. There are 6 years between myself and the next oldest-the next youngest was born when I was 15 months old- I was 'in the way' and got sent to live with an Aunt, I think this may have saved my life.
On the day that the mental health people came to get my oldest sister, I asked why she was going away and my mother's answer, "Because she is bad and you had better be good" has haunted my entire life. I vacillate between trying very hard to excel and trying to see just how bad I can be.
I am now 54 years old, have been married for 35 years and am a grandma, stress is costing me physical and emotional peace. I have tried counseling several times and I have so far been able to 'fool' the therapist.
It absolutely terrifies me to even think about letting anybody 'see me'. I have found a friend who is a spiritual guide, Reiki expert. I trust her. Perhaps now I can take that first step.