Someone knows without me having ever told them
The Iceberg is the best explanation of what happens to an abused child that I have ever came across on the internet.
It is from this that I am learning that I am considered a "severe" case. It is from this I'm learning the names for things I have always felt but never been able to express either out of lack of words or out of the fear that I'm crazy.
I experience things like the inner critic barraging me with insults. It's like a voice in my head, it sounds like my voice, but at the same time it's not me, and sometimes it will let a whole river of put downs go until I'm in tears and even then it will keep on tormenting me and I will try to argue back but it's impossible to defend myself against that many attacks at once.
I thought that was weird and it meant I was loopy. I thought my childhood worship of my mother was weird and it meant I was loopy. I thought my inability to get over things in the past was weird... I thought that "just getting over it and moving on" was the way to health when it turns out that it was the sure fire way to make the problem worse by burying it... and now I barely remember anything from my childhood that traumatized me so I have a bunch of defense mechanisms set to go off on random things and I don't even remember what those defense mechanisms were put there in the first place for!
The biggest shock of all is that someone knows more than me about what happened to me. I've grown so accustomed to trying to figure myself out and heal myself because no one else, NO ONE, has a clue as to what I've been through. Who ever wrote this does, though, and I applaud them for writing it.
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