SOME EFFECTS OF ABUSES
I included some of the effects of my abuses, but of course, I believe that they are the effects of many others who have suffered as well, some of which have still not been able to open up & share their secret w/ anyone. Of course, I realize that there are many effects that cannot even be expressed & also that their depths cannot be realized except by those who have walked thru the horrors of sexual abuse & all the abuses that are tied to it...emotional, verbal, mental, etc.
Likewise, the beauty of my relationship w/ the Lord & His unspeakable joy & love cannot truly be expressed either...what a Shining Light is our God!
From Don't Waste Your Sorrows by Paul E. Billheimer--
A quote by J. R. Miller--"True living is really a succession of battles in which the better triumphs over the worse, the spirit over the flesh. Until we cease to live for self, we have not begun to live at all."
O give thanks to the Lord, for He is good: for His mercy endures forever. Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom he has redeemed from the hand of the enemy.
I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD.
SOME EFFECTS OF THE ABUSES~~(List format)
Countless & long term LOSSES of anyone or anything normal in life, many times of wanting to die & feeling as though I was, in fact, dying, felt & was unloved, felt & was unwanted, deep & prolonged loneliness, stubborness, hardness, closed heart, rebellion, bitterness, self-pity, numbness, contempt, inability to give right love to father or mother & others, lack of good relationships w/ either father or mother & others, experienced deep & prolonged depression, felt invisible, felt 'less than', felt like an outcast, thought I was abnormal, experienced low-esteem, hated self & others, unforgiving of myself, felt terror, felt guilt, felt panic, embarassed even when I wasn't guilty of anything, secretive, sour attitudes, lack of honesty w/ father, mother & others, years of unmet needs, suppression of normal desires in life, felt cheated, felt exhausted, especially b/c I had to take care of my four children, virtually alone, but I KNOW that the Lord was with me & gave me the strength to keep all of them in prayer & go on living. I felt tight, felt suffocation, felt like I was in a literal prison, (like a POW) I experienced many real & imaginary fears, I was open to attacks from the evil spirits, but thankfully, the Holy Spirit used those experiences to teach me about spiritual warfare, inability to choose a non-abusive mate, finances spent on Dr.'s & two drugs (thankfully, only for a short time, b/c I turned to alternative ways of helping my health), poor decision making, harshness at times, fear to be a teacher, ( I taught 3rd grade for 3 years) ambivalence, fears to face the truth & dig deeper in order to become well, fears of change, denials for survival's sake, minimization, inability to express my needs (helplessness, learned helplessness), felt unfavored, felt & was unsupported, felt intimidated, false beliefs about myself due to name calling from father, deep sadness over many things, inability to connect w/ others, disassociation at times, longing for mother's love & to have a normal relationship w/ my mother, felt sad b/c of mockings & ridicule, felt defeated many times b/c nothing ever seemed to work in so-called marital relationship (he was a very sick individual psychologically, so there was silence, fighting, arguing, crying, etc.) felt low & down-hearted, etc. Brain problems, brain fog & slowness. I suffered from many different sicknesses such as, colitis, multiple schlerosis-like symptoms, chronic fatigue syndrome, epstein barr, hypoglycemia, thyroid, etc. Working at a health food store from 1987-1990 helped me to learn a lot and care for myself, but then from 1990 my health began to spiral downward.
However, in 1996, due to my mother's death, everything came crashing down on me like an avalanche & thru the Lord's workings I went to a counselor who was then used by God to introduce me to a Christian clinic in VA where I stayed for two weeks which led to my separation from my husband (who then became my ex-husband & is now deceased). This helped me greatly to go on & learn how to be by myself but at the same time there was no support & my family did not have the capacity or understanding to support me which I understood.
Only as I witnessed some neighborhood children being abused did the PTSD return so that I could find a good Christian counselor & pour out my soul & move into some EMDR plus the transforming work of the Lord am I able to be at the place that I'm at in my heart & spirit & mind & emotions.
ONLY the LORD GOD has the power to penetrate our very spirits, souls, bodies and minds and heal us continually. He cares as no other and He loves as no other!
Onward & forward w/ more discoveries...Don Carter & this site...the articles, presentations, his first book that I've read, have been a part of my understanding & healing & recovery for which I am very grateful!