by Caroline Hill
(Scunthorpe, England)

Hi everyone, i think i need some counselling! I never could understand why i smoke so much, or if I stop I get addicted to other stuff ... shopping, eating, drinking etc.

I'm beginning to get the picture through this website, light dawns ... so there is hope after all. I had a lousy childhood, passed between relatives, abusive uncaring parents. I died inside about a week old, I think. I've had personality problems ever since, diagnosed with psychotic depression five years ago, then bipolar, then back to psychotic depression.

I've just come off antidepressants, and my antipsychotic drugs are being reduced slowly. But I'm still left with a gaping abyss inside. Found Jesus, He was abandoned so hope for some divine healing with some secular help. Church no help at all. They think I'm demon possessed. Yet more abandonment...

All that stuff bottled up inside has got to go somewhere, but I think the fragmentation is going to heal now I know what it is. So, I plan to restructure my life like I did my children's early years. They're both incredibly supportive, but soon to leave home so I need to get to grips with this problem/s asap before I'm on my (often suicidal) self.

I just 'celebrated' my 50th birthday. I've never cried so much.

Every blessing to all who read this, there is hope,


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