Seek guidance, alone, no love support
Upon reaching exercise 1 in Thawing ACS, a thought came to me with a shockingly intense feeling of panic, "These exercises aren't going to involve anyone else but ME? I'm supposed to do this ENTIRELY alone?!" I scanned exercises throughout the book and found nothing to indicate otherwise. I was beyond certain I'd need to involve others to heal. I cannot describe the depth of the "shut down" chasm I see before me if I consider opening up to my root pain ALONE. Relevant details... I identify EVERYWHERE on this site as emotionally abandoned. My 20s were in useless therapy, able to "control" therapists with my extreme IQ. In my 30s, found 2 therapists, the 2nd ended sessions after 5 years, yet I'd made HUGE growth. I see finding a new therapist I can't control who will do sliding scale (I need) truly unlikely. I've continued to work well on myself (using crisis lines and friends), but need much more work, having grown aware I "never succeed" and "stay poor" despite winning awards in school/at different jobs and always being the "go to" guy. I recently wrote, "I want to cry while someone holds me and cries with me because they "see" and "get" the hell-past-and-present of my life, but my becoming successful will make the hell pain too remote for anyone to "see" or "get" the understanding/love I need from them." I am NOT a Christian, but I AM intensely spiritual. Strangely, I have NO classic addictions, YET I may have one in friendships. A problematic twist? One could argue I obsess over maybe 50+ friends, constantly on the phone, throwing huge, complex (but low budget) parties, replying to endless e-mails... (Hate Facebook, too shallow!) I can say I'm the "best friend" to more people than anyone I've ever met. The only thing that pulls me up in despair is a friend. I consider my one brother (out-of-state) a friend. No other family but the abusive divorced parents far away. Out gay at age 12, I've been asked out once on a date (now 48), never a boyfriend. No love except from friends who "connect" at most once a week. Wondering about modifying the therapy by sharing exercise writings by e-mail with key friends? Freaking-out terrified, even with prayer, to work on this alone. Feedback?