Seek guidance, alone, no love support
Upon reaching exercise 1 in Thawing ACS, a thought came to me with a shockingly intense feeling of panic, "These exercises aren't going to involve anyone else but ME? I'm supposed to do this ENTIRELY alone?!" I scanned exercises throughout the book and found nothing to indicate otherwise. I was beyond certain I'd need to involve others to heal. I cannot describe the depth of the "shut down" chasm I see before me if I consider opening up to my root pain ALONE. Relevant details... I identify EVERYWHERE on this site as emotionally abandoned. My 20s were in useless therapy, able to "control" therapists with my extreme IQ. In my 30s, found 2 therapists, the 2nd ended sessions after 5 years, yet I'd made HUGE growth. I see finding a new therapist I can't control who will do sliding scale (I need) truly unlikely. I've continued to work well on myself (using crisis lines and friends), but need much more work, having grown aware I "never succeed" and "stay poor" despite winning awards in school/at different jobs and always being the "go to" guy. I recently wrote, "I want to cry while someone holds me and cries with me because they "see" and "get" the hell-past-and-present of my life, but my becoming successful will make the hell pain too remote for anyone to "see" or "get" the understanding/love I need from them." I am NOT a Christian, but I AM intensely spiritual. Strangely, I have NO classic addictions, YET I may have one in friendships. A problematic twist? One could argue I obsess over maybe 50+ friends, constantly on the phone, throwing huge, complex (but low budget) parties, replying to endless e-mails... (Hate Facebook, too shallow!) I can say I'm the "best friend" to more people than anyone I've ever met. The only thing that pulls me up in despair is a friend. I consider my one brother (out-of-state) a friend. No other family but the abusive divorced parents far away. Out gay at age 12, I've been asked out once on a date (now 48), never a boyfriend. No love except from friends who "connect" at most once a week. Wondering about modifying the therapy by sharing exercise writings by e-mail with key friends? Freaking-out terrified, even with prayer, to work on this alone. Feedback?
Start a Video Conference with Don or Angie
We try to be available for TeleMed calls as often as possible. We are also very busy working with clients so it is not often that we will be available. If you have trouble catching us online for a Free 20 minute video conference, please make an appointment for your consultation above. If we are available, please enter the waiting room below. We will be notified and join you as soon as possible.
(When indicator is Green=Available, Red=Busy)
Or Visit Us on Facebook!