Return to happiness
An aunt recently told me that when I was a baby my parents treated me horribly, "I don't know why,because there was nothing wrong with you' she said. Well that wasn't strictly true, I was born with a mild birth defect and that was probably enough to make me runt of the litter.
Eleven months later my brother was born and he was deemed "normal"and was immediately elevated to "blue eyed boy" where he remained for many years eventually becoming a high achiever to receive his strokes.
My saving grace at that time was that I was looked after by a wonderful Irish woman called Joan,who ran a bar at the end of the street. She gave me some of the love and affection I didn't receive from my mother, for this I am truly grateful. I firmly believe this love kept the spark of divinity alive in me.
I specifically remember a time when she was pregnant with her own child, she positively glowed and emanated pure love as she snuggled me into her swollen belly. I believe that was my first spiritual experience and I realised what a wonderful thing love was and how much I needed it to survive.
Those early years were my happiest. Although I was already damaged through my mothers lack of affection and my fathers indifference, I loved the street I lived on and was always out playing with the kids in the neighborhood, I felt I belonged.
That all changed when I was six years old. I visited my mothers family in Ireland. I was sexually abused by a 16 year female. It only happened the once but had a devastating impact on my psyche. To add insult to injury when I returned to England I was told we were moving house. I didn't even get to say my goodbyes.
Within a couple of months of the move my mother had an affair and my father had a breakdown. After he came out of the mental hospital he was very angry and abusive and he completely turned his back on me. This was the most painful experience out of everything I went through. At that time i loved my father unconditionally. With the aid of anti-depressants, he retreated into a world of his own were he has stayed ever since.
The trauma of all these events was buried one on top of the other, as I had no emotional vocabulary to express the hurt I was feeling and in any case we just didn't talk about feelings.
By the age of ten i was very depressed, consciously turning my back on god. A year later I found alcohol and over the next 15 years became anti-social, promiscuous and violent leaving a trail of devastation behind me. Finally I drank my way into A.A and have been clean and sober for 15 years.
After about ten years in recovery, I detached from my family of origin and although this was sad for me it was not that difficult as there was no deep emotional bond and it`s a wonderful freedom from their toxic behaviour and lifestyle. I pray for them and hope they find joy and peace. I realise now even as a child I was unconsciously trying to escape from them.
On this amazing journey of healing I attended uni, and got a degree in psychology. I got married and have three sobriety babies. Through nurturing them I have healed my own inner child. After years of grieving I am finally coming to a place of peace.
Only this morning I was talking to my wife about the place were I was born and how happy I was there. I think I have healed enough to return to that place within myself. I still have issues of trust and often think someone or thing will take this life away, or that someone will appear and judge me on things I have done in the past and try and humiliate me. I think most of what I fear has already happened. I try and surrender to God everyday and believe my soul is taking me to a higher place.
Abandonment hurts and so does healing from it. But I believe I can transcend my childhood with the help of a higher power and the people who he puts in my way.
Love and Peace,
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