recovering from Co dependence
My sister left a message that my dad died today. The problem is that I have never been close to my dad. They got divorced when I was 4 years old. He has lived in my sister's basement for the past 8 years, I did not even know for 5 years because my sister and I were not speaking. Just a month ago I talked to her and she had nothing good to say about him, she just went on all negatively. She did say last week that she didn't think he had much longer to live he is 92.
When I moved out where my mom and sister were 11 years ago, hoping to rebuild a relationship, it just did not happen. Of course I see now how codependent I was. I was in recovery and being with unrecovered family after being away from them and getting healthier, was like going back into a time warp! And crazy making! In fact, I see so much multi-generational co dependence and enabling, trying to get love and care from those who just didn't have it to give.
I have deep issues of abandonment, with my parents and sister, and have had these feelings all my life. The information on the iceberg explains it all to me. I have always felt like the lost child because that is the role I picked up. I fit that to a t. It's uncanny. With some recovery I now wear other hats and use different talents in different roles I have.
I know today I am half numb, but I have felt so much pain over the years, that I have had to ignore and cover up, I've written about it. I never had the father I needed and wanted he was an addict and when he quit drinking he was a depressed dry drunk. Spent the last days in my sister's basement in bed and watching TV, she has always been a very controlling enabler to him, even though she couldn't stand him, not much of a life if you ask me. As I look at the big picture they were both doing what they did best, he was the victim ad she was the enabler. As she did me as a child, she treated me very badly and I felt like she stifled me almost smothered with a blanket of shame.
Addiction affects many lives, and the good thing is I have stayed out of it. I am an orphan now, but so what is new, I always felt like an orphan. Good thing I have a strong faith in my God and Christ. The picture is so clear about the dysfunction and craziness in the family. Much pain much sorrow, but my desire and goal and deep desire is to have God change the old programs and let go of the grief sorrow and pain and to break the patterns I have held deep inside of me for so long. I am powerless over my emotions about all of this. I am thankful that I am in a 12 step codependency recovery program.