Really could use some helpful insight, advice, and prayer...

My girlfriend had some pretty traumatic abandonment issues early in her childhood where her twin brother died. She was left having to deal with feeling as if it were her fault. She also felt responsible for the difficulties her mother went through during the time. I remember her mother would make passive aggressive comments implying that she was to blame in some way for her twin brothers death.

All of these issues seem to be coming to the forefront in our relationship. She doesn't seem to be aware of her actions. She has claimed that I am never there for her and has frequently said I can't be there for her. When I provide understanding and ask how I can be there for her she goes on about all the reasons I can't. There have been times where she has been let down by little things such as me being tired on a date or something that I have no control over such as work. I have to go to work to make money and make a living yet she feels I work too much (I work part time) and never have enough time. When I offered to take time off work or get my shift covered she doesn't want me to be "inconvenienced" or suddenly changes her mind and says she has plans. She often will shut off and dissociate or go into protest behavior. I am left feeling blamed and ashamed of not being a good enough boyfriend, as well and ironically enough I am abandoned by her and am yelled at or told to leave. In those cases I may leave and then get an angry phone call asking why I left, and am then accused of abandoning her. There have been times where I decided I would stay and console her despite her yelling at me and telling me to leave but then of course I would be blamed and accused of letting her down.

From what I know about abandonment issues it sounds like she really does want me there she just doesn't want to sound needy and has no clue how to ask for what she needs, and for good reason. She is suffering immense pain and on top of this deals with other issues that haven't been fully resolved. I know she needs help although she doesn't think she really needs professional help or resists the idea of seeing a therapist.

We are going to couples therapy where I hope I can get more clarity. This feels like such a mess... Any wise advice is much appreciated.

Comments for Really could use some helpful insight, advice, and prayer...

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Mar 28, 2012
by: Anonymous

You won't be sorry for the steps you take now towards keeping yourself healthy - physically and emotionally. Just remember, if she is able to become healthy again (hopefully through some counselling to rule out depression/mood disorders), she will need you to be healthy also.

Even if things were not working between the two of you and you then decided that YOU NEEDED to be out of the relationship once and for all, you want to be healthy for future relationships, but most of all you want to be healthy for you.

Just keep thinking that you deserve to be happy. Good Luck. You sound like a good person.

Mar 28, 2012
Thank you for the input...
by: Comment Creator

Thanks so much for your insight. I really agree with what you said about taking care of myself first. I found that I was putting a lot of pressure on my girlfriend to change things when I know deep down that I can't be the one who changes her and the change must come from her own choice and willingness to grow. So I took your advice and have been working on what it is in me that could be creating this need in me to gain approval through trying to fix things.... I have made many discoveries and again have focused on taking responsibility for my own life, because changing myself and taking loving care of myself can sometimes be the best thing I can do for others and the best way I can be present and compassionate toward what she is going through.

So thank you so much for taking the time to bring your ideas and suggestions to the table! Much appreciated :)

Mar 26, 2012
Look after yourself first
by: Anonymous

Hi There,

The first thing I would like to commend you is on going to couples' therapy. It shows that you both care enough to try to make it work.

My comment title may sound selfish but here is my reasoning. Sometimes people have so much emotional hurt that they forget how to treat those closest to them in a loving, caring and respectful manner. Their less than desirable behaviour can become a that is hard to break. Depression can also cause moods of irritability and sadness, etc.

I personally think you need to take a step back and re-access your own goals for what you want from a relationship. Sometimes, we can can develop co-dependent tendencies where we feel a strong desire to rescue someone close to us who is hurting. It can become an obsession and may derive from our own unmet emotional needs during childhood. In other words, you might be subconsciously needing something as well from this unhealthy relationship - the desire to rescue, help, comfort, etc.

Her behaviour should cause you to question whether or not you want to continue the relationship, unless you are getting something out of it - the co-dependent theory. Once she knows that you will no longer tolerate this kind of behaviour and that you see the relationship being so much better than it is now, she may start to change.

In the meantime, look after your own needs, stay healthy, and stay connected with other people.....otherwise you will be pulled into the abyss....misery loves company, as they say. Good luck and I really do hope things work out for both of you.

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