🌿 From Parts in Conflict to Self-Led Harmony
Moving from Inner Battlefield to Inner Teamwork to Unleashed Potential
Picture this: Two horses pulling a cart, but going in opposite directions - one pulling left and the other pulling right. How far does the cart get? But what happens when the same two horses pulling in the same forward direction?
If you’ve followed this series, you now know:
Everyone has parts (Managers, Firefighters, Exiles).
Our Default Mode Network (DMN) runs on autopilot when we’re not mindful.
The mPFC is our 5-D mind theater, where beliefs and images get real-ized.
Protector parts often keep exiles hidden, like guards watching over prisoners.
In the previous post, you saw how children in a chaotic family cannot fight or flight outwardly. So their “Little Professor” creates Protector Parts inwardly to help them survive (i.e., Survival skills). These heroic Protects from childhood are not able to function very well in a healthy adult relationship which calls for coping skills.
These Protectors are often in conflict with each other, creating inner battles complete with shame bombs, and contempt grenades. Many parts become the walking wounded exiles. These dynamics are played inwardly between the Parts of self and/or outwardly with external relationships (Parts of family). Healing and integration requires calling a truce and finding ways to end the conflicts.
But the story doesn’t end with conflict.
🌟 The real goal of parts work is integration — moving from an inner battlefield to inner teamwork to unleased potential.
🧩 Examples
Dinner Table Chaos → Self at the Head Imagine John’s inner world as a dinner table: his Angry Protector yells, his Anxious Part hides under the table, and his Firefighter drinks at the end. Therapy helped John picture his Self taking the head seat, calmly giving everyone a turn. The shouting quieted. The anxious part peeked out. The firefighter sighed with relief.
The Overachiever’s Truce Lisa’s Taskmaster part pushed her through college, career, and endless achievements. But her Perfectionist criticized every flaw, while her Exile whispered, “You’ll never be enough.” In parts work, Lisa let her Self mediate. She thanked the Taskmaster for its drive, comforted the Exile with love, and softened the Perfectionist with compassion. Suddenly, her inner world shifted from a war zone to a collaborative project.
The Addict’s Harmony Tony’s Firefighter turned to substances whenever his Exile’s loneliness surfaced. His Manager scolded him mercilessly after every binge. In IFS sessions, Tony learned to approach both with Self-energy: thanking the Firefighter for its attempts to soothe, and reassuring the Exile that it wasn’t alone. Over time, the Manager relaxed, and Tony found freedom in connection rather than chemicals.
🔄 Integration looks like this:
The True-Self needs to take the leadership role.
Recognize the parts without judgment.
Thank protectors for their service.
Invite exiles to share their stories.
True-Self offer compassion, healing, and truth.
Build a new inner consensus — not conflict, but collaboration.
Teach Protectors new jobs now that the Protected Exiles are healed
✨ Reflection Questions:
When do you notice your parts at war?
How might it feel to let your True-Self take the lead seat?
What would harmony look like in your daily decisions, relationships, or work?
Thanks for following this series! There are more to come. The next post will summarize and link all the posts in this series before we move on. Be sure to make comments below to ask for cllarification on any post in the series.
Remember that the Kindle version of Thawing Childhood Abandonment Issues is only $1.99 until September 1, 2025 (Our way of celebrating the beginning of Recovery month)