Not even my real family!

(Mass, USA)

My mother had a lesbian relationship when I was born, and they "raised" me as my parents. It was good until I began to be exposed to others and had to explain my situation, like in school.

And as I got older my mother's girlfriend became interested in someone else, we left, went back, left, went back again, and finally left for good between fourth grade and fifth grade. Their relationship had become very toxic and bitter and deceptive, bordering on violent at times. But I thought of this woman as my parent. But mother told me she was throwing us out. I remember wandering the streets one night with no where to go.

This woman was always very controlling and she tired of me as soon as I became old enough to have a thought of my own. But once we left for good she moved in with this other woman, and looked for us and began to insist on having a place in my life again. Of course my mother allowed this, although it was always on the woman's terms.

Now I'm forty years old and still dealing with this. I have children of my own and am feeling very resentful as I see them the same age I was when I was abandoned. And this woman has begun speaking to mother again, and throwing money she has given me in my face indirectly, through my mother. And is having a temper tantrum because I insisted she rent her house to a certain couple (and she has made my life miserable ever since) and finally told her after she left a rather nasty message on my phone that she couldn't speak to me like that.

Last time we fought it was because I didn't want her to come down on MY BIRTHDAY. I'm not even allowed to celebrate my own birthday. And if I push back, like now, I get the tears, and someday you'll forgive me, and I've done things for you. Right now I'm getting the silent treatment - which on one level has been NICE!

I've been reading alot about passive-aggression, and control. And I'm feeling powerless. Like I'm waiting for her to respond. I know I'm not going to initiate contact. Oh, I did get an email on the 1st that they hadn't given the rent yet. But she's not rubbing it in my face!!! Followed by an email at 7am the next morn that I was dropped off around 7pm. WTH? Oh, and who IS this woman anyway??

I really want to either gain control over the relationship, or cut it off all together. Yet a part of me still feels abandoned. And I feel like I can't do that - like she'll never "let me go." I know they'll be some big drama from this. And I'm just waiting on it. Quite sure it'll be at the most inconvenient time for me. See, when I was in the 4th grade I was walking the streets, and going on welfare, and watching my mother have a mental breakdown because now she might have to get a job.

So with MY kids, I kinda want to focus on THEM. Yet her and my mother come off like they gave me some idealic upbringing. Yeah - till I 5. Then it was screw her. I find myself being very passive-aggressive about this and not wanting to deal with either of them. So my mother calls and says, "Don't tell ****, but I didn't know she paid for your wedding?" Why are you even mentioning this to me? My mother and I have our issues. How can I regain a feeling of control? I know - I need to take control. But how to control my mind????

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Sep 06, 2011
Control is an illusion...
by: Don Carter


Thanks for your post! Let me begin by explaining the title of my comment to your post...there is no such thing as control, especially when it comes to other people and your mind.

Try this experiment...force yourself NOT to think of Santa Claus even once for the next 60 seconds.

How'd you do? Right, the harder you tried not to think of Santa the more he pops into your mind. and just as we are not be able to force our mind to NOT do something, we can't even trick it by giving it something else to do instead!

Try this...Now count to 10 in your mind as a way of replacing the thought of Santa. Even SEE each number in your minds eye as you count. Can you get all the way to 10 without Santa popping in there? Probably not...because once you try to force your mind to NOT do keeps doing it over and over until you quit noticing it because other thoughts eventually take over.

Now try this...Try really hard for 2 or 3 minutes NOT to think about the 3 things you are absolutely most grateful for in your life. Then spend a few minutes trying really hard not to think about why you are grateful for them. Give it all you've got for 2 or 3 minutes. Try that everyday for a week! :)

The point here is that anything you resist, persists and grows stronger. So spend your time resisting really cool stuff!!

When it comes to people...hang out with people who have something you want (say, peace of mind) and try to resist learning how they do it. Codependents Anonymous or Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families probably have something you want. They have been where you are before... go and try to resist them for a while!

Take Care,

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