My anxieties are going to destroy what I have
by Lost in my own head
I am "finally" after years of failed attempts in a healthy relationship. At least the healthiest one I have ever had. The gentleman and I are both in recovery me for 10 years and him for 5. Our relationship has progressed nicely. He happens to be honest, trustworthy, loving, open, and an all around decent human being.
I have doing work with a therapist for almost 6 years on inner child, PTSD, abandonment issues. Recently mostly in a group therapy format. I did not date on purpose for 4 years because of my lack of trust. I have a significant issue with trusting anyone. I did not trust my ex husband, deservedly so I discovered later. I have not been in a relationship with a trustworthy individual ever before. (obviously due to who I pick to be in a relationship with). That is one of the reasons I did not date I was afraid of my own judgement how poor it was.
Anyway this man and I have recently begun living together after many months of dating. I find my mind telling me defeating things. Such as every time he has to work late it is because he must be meeting someone else or doesn't want to be around me. I am constantly seeing the end of the relationship in my head and how it will happen...generally over me catching him cheating. Which has occurred several times in my dating past. However there is no basis in reality for this line of thinking with him. He also is aware of my past and anxieties and is very open to discussing how I am feeling even when I think "I am feeling all crazy." He reassures me and voices great understanding.. he is never angry or frustrated.
My therapist says the closer we get the worse my anxiety will get because of the fear of my inner child of being wounded again... so these self sabotaging things pop into my head. My biggest thing is I am doing the writing and reality testing of these thoughts... Is this true? Is it most likely true? Is it possible to know the answer to that at this moment? those kinds of things. What I want to know is HOW DO I STOP THE ORIGINAL THOUGHTS FROM COMING AND TORMENTING ME? Some days it drives me to complete distraction.
All the while he has no idea what ridiculous fears are going through my head. I am afraid if I voiced every one of them he would become exhausted of my neediness and run like hell to get away.
WHAT CAN A PERSON DO TO BECOME TRUSTING OF OTHER PEOPLE?
I am sorry this was so lengthy but I am a wordy person.
lost in my own head
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