My 26-year circle with my husband
My husband is 59 and I'm 52. He works every day and I work from home. When I do something he doesn't like, he punishes me. I call it instant punishment. For example, we'll have an outing planned with my family and the day before I make him mad. So, he won't go to the outing to punish me. We have poor communication - it's hard for us to sit and talk about our problems. He is not a person who cares about positive emotional support - he gets angry a lot. 4 years ago, I moved out. I told him for a year that I was going to. When I finally did, he said Have a good moving day. Then he proceeded to call me and depend on me the next day just like nothing happened. He needed help to pay the bills, he needed help shopping for clothes. And I did it. I don't know why, but I did. In a month, he had a girlfriend, which he lied about. We had sex and I thought that meant he wanted to get back together. I realized in a rush of feelings, everything that I had done wrong in our marriage. It was like an avalanche and it was hard to deal with. I felt that we needed to get back together so I could change my behavior. We spent hours talking about what we wanted from a relationship, and I was totally honest and we got back together. I tried hard to change the things that I had realized, and that he told me had bothered him, but he never tried any of the new stuff. He started lying to me constantly - about anything big or small. I guess he always did - I don't know, but I started catching him all the time. Now, it's been years and all of the promises we made never happened. He doesn't want much from life or me. We sleep in separate rooms because I snore. He doesn't want sex, he doesn't want to know my feelings, - he smokes pot all the time, so even though we talk all the time about day to day life - he doesn't remember what I say. When we argue, he goes so overboard - he's quitting his job, or he's moving out or something drastic. The whole time he's mad, he lets me know - he doesn't kiss me goodbye, he doesn't call me from work, he doesn't cook, whatever. And then, he forgets about it and life goes on. I get so upset every time, but then I get sick of being mad, sick of worrying what he's going to do, so I try to forget about it and go on. But we never actually resolve anything. That's our cycle - over and over. I think he's wrong for treating me like that, and I'm wrong for enabling him to get away with it. I don't know how to change. I wish I could either be a big enough person to feel secure, and say - it's ok - he's just mad - he's not really quitting his job. Or, I could feel secure enough in myself to say - this is me, this is who I am and what I believe in, and how I want to live my life no matter what he does. But I can't seem to do either - I get upset and off balance just like he wants me to, and then I give him another chance. Repeat, repeat. Any thoughts?