Money Transformation Part 1
I am a 50 year old Mother and my teenage son and I have been secretly living out of our truck for the last two years. It is ironically not so secretive if people paid attention, truly cared about each other and if this was a heart-centered society. But it is not so in this part of the world. People are too busy downloading and upgrading, commenting, liking or hating and caught up in their own issues to even notice. This has actually worked in our favor, given we value our privacy and are very private people living secretly from our truck.
I would not be honest if I said this has been all so horrible. It has brought challenges to bat with but it has also been fun, adventurous, freeing, and the biggest and most powerful life course ever. I have, my son has, we have learned so much about ourselves, each other, nature, animals, human psychology and behavior and have discovered a great more of what is important, what truly counts and what we value as humans.
This is the breaking of the secret so that the shame can be dissolved, the blockages evaporated. So that we can rise!
For so long I was driven by the need to hide and become invisible. And it worked for the most part because I created facades and cover ups to conceal my sad face, my weak body, all of my ill feelings, my wound scabs, and preferred moments of "do not disturb" and the shame I carried for thinking I had failed, for thinking I was not good enough, for feeling a lack of worth.
My mind dominated me. The mind that had absorbed outworn thinking, the mind that pointed to the memories of harsh words spoken and lashes that scared my tender skin. Ruled by the mind that had learned how to be small and fragile, it went from my best friend to my worst enemy. I watched my old self, my old life from behind the doors of my vehicle as I peeked out from my windows each day. I saw and wrestled with all the trappings of my old mind. Fear, worry, vulnerability, shame. All the I "not good enough" and "not worthy" feelings and moments kept showing up while keeping me down.
The biggest missing and weakest link has been money throughout this ordeal and life shattering times. I met with my conscious or higher mind which believes "I am wealthy", who believes that my mind carries and recalls the face of wealth in every way except money. I continue to be in excellent health. My life and work as a healer empowered and fueled me just enough to maintain my good health during these years of mobile living. In spite of and also in appreciation of reading the warning signs, the relationship between my body and I have deepened. I have become so much closer and in harmony with nature. I love seeing the sunrise and the Moon hover me at night. I have far less material things that own me. My mind has not been lost entirely, though it slips into darkness every now and then. And after a few heart pre-alarms it has opened up even wider, anchoring me deeper into it, urging me to live according to my heart. I feel blessed and have a great deal of inner resources. Yet, I have been trying to relocate but have faced so many delays stemming from a lack of currency.
So where is the money, why is it so illusive and when will it all materialize?
I am having a financial nervous breakdown and going through a money rebirth. Money never stands alone, I've learned. It responds to the energy and emotions we attach to it. This way I can see why it appears scare. For the last 17 years I have been sustained and supported by a very small amount of weekly money from my son's father/X husband. But not without so much stress, tension and warfare. I now can safely conclude that these straggling emotions which linger and block my financial progress are the demons I now face.
I have also freelanced over the years with a very unstable income and a life of chance. Working 9-5 does not suit me. I've tried unsuccessfully, gotten sick over and over for it and do not belong in a stuffy office building or indoors at a desk without windows. I spent the last 17 years focusing on my son, being a single stay at home mother with no family and friends to support me and my son.
I came from a mixed up childhood filled with confusions and contradictions that ran my life as an adult. I was traumatized by a borderline, narcissistic mother and a narc father that abandoned us thus recreating similar relationships and the pain and suffering stemmed from a lack of worth and a lack of unconditional love from my parents. Love became shady and so did money.
To be continued...