My husband says sending my son commissary in jail is enabling and if he is hungry, too bad. This is tough for me.

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Jul 28, 2013
Don't give him a dime
by: Anonymous

As the step-mother of a 26 year old heroin addict who is spending her THIRD time in jail, I have had it. I don't care if she STARVES!!!! This time she has broken up my marriage with her father.

He needs to make sure she's okay. She is okay... she has a roof over her head, three meals a day and she isn't using. I don't want to spend another dime on her. I don't want to ever see her again. She has stolen everything from our house that isn't nailed down and pawned it (including all of my jewelry,including my mother's and grandmother's). The last time she was in jail, he put off bills to make sure she had money in jail. How about this idea... DON'T BE A DAMN ADDICT AND WORK LIKE THE REST OF US!!!

I'm filing for divorce from her father tomorrow. I can't take the lies, stealing, using our house to get her drugs... I'M DONE!!!

Anyone who continues to send them money in jail is enabling them. They cry because they are miserable there. THEY SHOULD BE!!! JAIL ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THE RITZ!!! She put herself there... no one else did!

I hate drugs and her! She refuses rehab, so to hell with her. But I'm not giving her a dime and her actions are sending me to file for divorce tomorrow.

Give him a dime, just give him a needle... let him be miserable. He's hurt you, hasn't he? He deserves to hurt for a change.

Mar 08, 2012
Not Black & White issues...
by: Don


Being compassionate is not NECESSARILY enabling...but you are the only one who can really know for sure.

All you have to do is go inside and check your motives; "Are you doing this because you need to rescue him, or fix him, or be needed by him? or are you doing it out of a genuine desire to be compassionate?

If you are in denial you might say compassion rather than rescuing. So dig deep down, if you cannot answer the question then it is likely that there is some enabling going on.

(that you have to ask is a big red flag - usually when a question about your behavior comes to your awareness, you can take the question mark off of it and turn it into a statement. If that sounds more accurate, then it probably is.)

Sometimes, objective help is in order to sort this out. And as I have said in other posts, enabling is usually done from one of two positions: either we enable by being too lenient or we enable by being to rigid and controlling.

Both positions are unproductive strategies we use to try to fix the addict. It is possible you are too lenient and your husband too rigid... this would be a relationship polarity. Both of you would need to move to the middle for harmony and recovery to take place.

Hope this helps.


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