I am in a 8 year long relationship with a man who in the beginning of our relationship was a different man then he is today. We met at 52 years old when we were both reaching retirement. Life was fun and carefree.He had a girlfriend that wasn't going well for a long time, and he ended it with her abruptly. Things went very fast, and within 3 months I has given up my apartment and had moved in with him. His 18 year old son also showed up to live with us. I was uneasy with this fast moving change in my life but he took care of everything and my life seemed so easy without any financial or work struggles that I was used to.
As time went by I noticed some of his habits that were unusual;
He would spend money on things like cases of food or sale items that he didn't need.He would spend all of his money on excessive food, tools etc. We now live in a large house, and had to buy two freezers, and a large fridge because he goes grocery shopping and buys hundreds of dollars in sale items that sometimes have to be thrown out because its in the freezers too long.Its just the two of us living here, and most of the time he doesn't eat!
He chain smoked cigarettes, and drank alcohol until he would get intoxicated. As time went by, I see a pattern here where he will drink a lot, then he will be sick for 2 days and spend most of the days on the couch. On the third day most of the time he will get drunk again. He will start of with a beer at lunch and after 3 or 4 beer he will start drinking rum and coke. When he drinks, he doesn't eat, sometimes for the whole day. He has type 11 diabetes and will eat bags of chocolate and candy throughout the night sometimes it seems he doesn't wake up he just eats sweets. He will go shopping and buy up to $100.00 in candy and chocolate very often.
Early in our relationship, I was taken back with the large boxes of porn movies that he had. He didn't hide these, they were out in the open when his kids and anyone could see them. He didn't think anything of this. I eventually told him that they had to go because I find them wrong in so many levels. I am open minded and do not mind a porm movie that we both pick out and decide to watch; however, he didn't see it that way even though he told me he understood. He eventually burnt them. A few months later he decided to order a porn channel through our cable, I didn't have anything to do with that decision, he ordered it for a whole month because he said it cost the same for a month or for one night. That whole month was hurtful to me because he would go up to our bedroom and watch porn alone and often. One time we did turn it on to watch together and he wouldn't watch it, he just wanted to get down to business and told me he only turned it on for me to enjoy?? The month of porn didn't go well, and it didn't matter what I would say, he would still disappear up to our bedroom and watch the porn channel by himself. A year has gone by since that incident and I let it go just to keep the peace. Last month, he did it again. We were leaving to go away for two weeks and he ordered a porn channel for a month. I almost lost my mind, can't believe he is doing this as it makes no sense at all. We came back from our time away and I was sick with a flu. Every night he would disappear up to our bedroom and watch the porn channel while I was very sick and sleeping on the couch. The month of porn was over yesterday and I can't find a shred of respect for this man. I can't even go up to the bedroom, in a strange sort of way; it feels like he was up there cheating on me.
Also early in our relationship I noticed that he liked to gamble on VLT's and buy scratch tickets. It didn't raise any red flags to me because I know a lot of people who gamble like this and its not a problem. Two years ago we went to Las Vegas for two weeks vacation. It was my idea because there are so much I want to see in Vegas; little did I know that I was opening pandora's box. He wouldn't go to a show or anything; all he would do is gamble on the VLT's. He lost over $15,000.00. I am still in shock, and since then he won't stop gambling. Every time we go out, even for a drive, he will stop into a gambling establishment of some kind. He won't even buy us dinner, he won't leave the machines. I tell him that I am not going out with him again because I hate spending all of my time on VLT's. So he will say that he is not going to gamble, and most of the time its a lie. He will say "I'm just going to put $20 in and leave, which has never happened, its always hundreds of dollars. I am there with him in his car and stuck to stay until he is ready to leave. Its very humiliating and boring for me.
He has mood changes daily, I never know what is coming from him. He say's he is going to do one thing and changes his mind at the last minute. He manipulates and lies to get what he wants. He sets down the rule that my grandkids can't come here for more then a couple of hours, I don't listen to that and he sometimes becomes mean to them. He is a happy and kind drunk to other people; including my kids only to wake up sober and miserable and rude to them. We have driven for days while traveling and he won't talk, he is just silent. He won't stop for lunch only to buy gas and use the washroom. When I tell him that I want to stop it often creates an argument.
Today he is trying to pretend everything is wonderful and making small talk, I cannot just push all these issues aside so I try and tell him that but he is not having it and gets rude. After a couple of hours he comes into the house and asks me to go to a movie tonight. My mind is ready to explode.
I am on a waiting list to have double knee replacements, and I would find it very difficult to leave him and get myself established somewhere else until the surgeries are done. I am lost; I don't know what to do. I hate confrontation and can't live daily like this, but I don't think I can just forgive and forget again. Thanks for listening and I welcome any advice you may have.