looking for answers
well, I will try to make a long story short: I grew up, I have always felt, in a healthy family situation, the youngest of a large family. We were all close, and had a large extended family that visited weekly, and a lot of love to go around, and lots of hugs and kisses from my own parents and siblings, as well as many brothers and sisters in law. We never had much money, but were warm and dry and had enough to eat.
I fell in love and married at age 19, graduated from college, had a baby, and my husband died of cancer when the baby was 6 mo old, after about 15 months of illness.
My husband is the younger of 2, with an 2 yr older sister. His mom died suddenly when he was 9,of untreated diabetes. The doctor refused to listen when she said she had diabetes, and he essentially killed her. after that he always struggled in school, and always says he's stupid (which he definitely isn't) His relationship with his sister is ok now but they have struggled, and were previously estranged for about 15 years, up until about 3 yrs ago when they reconciled.
He says he had a great relationship with his father,who died 2 years before we met, when my husband was 21 years old. He was devastated. His dad farmed and they had both looked forward to his 21st birthday, and had plans to 'really kick ass farming' after that milestone.
After about a year we married, which was 28 years ago. We have my son from my first marriage, whom he always loved until recently, and a daughter together who is 3 1/2 years younger. Both are married. Our son recently had his 1st baby, and our daughter just had her 4th baby. He's mad at me now because I came for 3 wks to help out after the baby came.
My husband dislikes both of their spouses. They are both really ok, and none of them have any problems with drugs, alcohol, legal problems or anything like that. He didn't attend our daughter's wedding because he didn't agree with her getting married before she finished college. Then he flew into a rage and destroyed her wedding picture I had put out because he claimed I only displayed the picture to treat him badly (that is the kind of thing he always says, and nothing will convince him that I haven't done it from cruelness to him. I had put the picture up in my sewing room in the vacation house, where he seldom even went.)
So we have struggled somewhat throughout our marriage. My husband often says the opposite of what he really wants, and then goes into a rage afterwards about some incidental and unrelated matter. He had problems with hypo-glycemia (diagnosed by an MD) as long as I have known him, and is now diabetic (delayed onset type 1). I tolerated the fits of anger because I blamed it on the hypo-glycemia, or stress or something, and now I blame it on the diabetes and erratic blood glucose levels. I am at wit's end, and ready to end the marriage if something doesn't change.
Now he has decided that he hates my son and his family, and insists on speaking badly about them to me every day, and has a fit if I go to see the baby. My son hasn't done anything to him, except he has his feelings hurt because once when they were going golfing and he wanted my son to pick him up at our house, but my son wanted them to just meet at the golf course.
There are a number of minor (at least in my mind) events like that that my husband has blown our of proportion. He hasn't spoken a word to my son in more than a year, and is always bad-mouthing him, and then blowing up at me because I won't agree to the awful things he says about my son and his wife. He hates his wife because she says "parents" instead of "my folks" and hates them both because they say "dinner" instead of 'supper'. I know it sounds crazy, and he says it's just proof of their bad attitude...
He blames everything on me because he says I have treated him so badly. Because of the way I was raised, I have always hugged my family (and his) and friends when we meet. We started a business where we had many clients, mostly men, who came to our business for recreation (sport shooting) and many of the men were in the habit of hugging me when they arrived (many of the women did too). I honestly never knew he was bothered by them hugging me, and when I asked what was the matter he would never tell me the truth about it, for years. When he finally did say something, I quit it, (about 10 years ago) but he still throws it up in my face daily almost.
We sold the business to my son and his wife, and that is part of the problem between them, that my son wants to run the business the way he thinks, which isn't just the way my husband thinks it should be. Now it it becoming very prosperous and he's sorry we sold it. Now he keeps saying to me that he wishes something bad would happen to them, and before the baby was born he even said he hoped something was wrong with the baby, and he expects me to accept him talking to me that way, and even expects me to agree.
A few years after we started the business, I got hurt in a car accident when I was rear-ended at a traffic light and got very bad permanent injury to my spine. We didn't realize until time went by that I was hurt so bad, and never able to work again. Now I live with an internal pump putting morphine into my spinal space all the time to control the pain, and I get along ok since I got that, but I still can't exert myself much or work. Before the problems were finally diagnosed, I started drinking a lot, and getting drunk every day because the pain was so bad I just couldn't stand it. I have had 2 spinal surgeries besides the pump surgery. He just couldn't accept that I was hurt, and didn't help me with anything at all, and was mean to me most of the time. He would never ask me how I was doing, or do anything to help me around the house or show me any kindness. He got so angry and mean that no one wanted to come to the business anymore, and we ended up closing it. Then later he decided to sell it to our son, without even consulting me about it, and now he's sorry he sold it, so mad at our son about it.
During that time I had what I'll call and emotional affair with a friend of ours who did call to see how I was, and showed me too much kindness etc. We started out just going for coffee after church, and then started going on 'dates' I guess I would have to call them, but never slept together. During that time I had moved out of the house and into a hotel for a week or so. My husband saw our friend parked outside the hotel, he had left me some flowers and a card for my birthday, in which he said he loved me. When my husband saw that he flew into a rage (understandably, I guess). Anyway, we reconciled from that.
Then again a few years later we bought a vacation home that we moved to together, and then soon he went back to our regular home to visit and then stayed there most of the time, helping our son with the business we had sold him, and I stayed at the home we had moved to most of the time, which was near our daughter and her family, so we lived apart a lot for a few years. During that time my husband had a brief affair, then came to 'bring me home for good.' After we got back to home, he admitted to the affair, but I decided to just put it behind because we were trying to make a new start. So that is pretty much the past story.
I have to explain the good side of him, because so far I have mostly just talked about the bad side. When he is being 'right', he is very kind, generous and funny, really a great guy. We rented a little house we own to a couple who has a diabetic 5 yr old child, and he found out they didn't have a car. We had a very nice 'spare' car, and he gave it to them, so the mom could get to the school if she needed to get there quickly. That is the kind of thing that he has done over and over again, but he is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I used to be able to put the bad behind me and just focus on the good side of him, but I can't keep doing it. It's just that now with all this problem between him and the kids now, I just can't stand it anymore. I'm too old to keep this up.
I really don't want to be divorced, my marriage is just getting so unbearable. I don't know what to do.
I am really doubting that his relationship with his own dad was so great. I also have always thought it had a lot to do with losing his mom the way they did. I bet she got pretty mean before she died, because of the way my husband acts when his blood sugar is off, and I think she was mean to him the last time he saw here before she died.
I wish he would just tell the truth about his feelings etc. I can't talk to him about anything, he just gets mad. And he says it doesn't have anything to do with his diabetes, which would mean he's just an absolute ass, instead of sick. He just keeps throwing the past up at me, now when I can't do anything about it. I guess I should have figured out that the hugging was bothering him, but I didn't. That's the way I was raised, and I didn't see anything wrong about it. I have always had an easy time getting along with everyone else except him.
So I do love the good side of him, but it is being completely overshadowed by the bad side. he won't talk to me, and I can't keep on listening to him tear down and wish bad for my son's family. If I do leave him, I could move away and be near my daughter, but then I'm afraid he will do something to harm my son or his business, who lives very near to him. If I don't move away, I don't think he will ever leave me alone. He hasn't ever really hurt me, but has threatened to. When he goes into his rages, I'm not sure he even realizes fully what he is doing or has done. help?