Jeanette and relationships

by jeanette
( nz)

So how do we get our relationships restored? How do we accept parts of us that have been neglected and told are not good enough?
It's all so confusing trying to make a relationship work if the person we are attracted to will re-wound us because we are all trying to get back to the original wounding and somehow find healing. I have been fine for ages with my addictions as I have done some healing from several dysfunctional relationships, ( with church and self help groups like living waters)but now I'm ready to get married, but a bit freaked out that I will go and repeat all the same garbage from my codependency habits. How am I meant to be healed enough to attempt a healthy relationship and what are the tell tale signs that the guy is gonna hook me in and cause another repeat of my messy and imperfect childhood. Should people like me who have attempted relationships and failed- just stay single?
My new goal for counselling is to like myself and reclaim my true self- any tips?

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Jul 25, 2013
true or false self
by: Anonymous

Don can you tell me the best way to have a connection with the true self? How much do you need to share with another person to be intimate? How do I know if I am sharing my true self or my invented self?

Mar 30, 2012
Single and in love
by: Anonymous

HI there, I'm Jeanette, and the orginal writer, yes I have had many failed relationships, but surely with training and not falling for committment phobes- there must be someone I can be compatible with by the time I am 90. At least to share my thoughts with. The idea of true love sounds wonderful- maybe I have the concept of love wrong? Why do people even get married? I agree though, it's important to learn to love ourselves- but seems a bit self centred if just wasted on ourselves and not in serving the world, our colleagues and our families. Single- but not really single.

Mar 24, 2012
Who does the re-wounding?
by: Anonymous

I think that we ourselves do the re=wounding. It isn't the other parties who do it. It's all in our perception. In my opinion - and based on 3 failed marriages personally - I am not equipped nor do I have much of a desire to be in a relationship. I am finally realizing that I am ok with being single. I am not selfish or self-absorbed. Quite the contrary actually. It is very considerate of me to keep out of relationships. No good ever comes of it. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy or whole. Love yourself - be comfortable with yourself and the rest will fall naturally...

Mar 09, 2012
by: Don

I agree...go for it. It can be worth it.

Here are some tips for getting into a relationships in recovery:

1. Understand that recovery is like peeling an onion...when you peel back one layer there is another. But if you keep at it you will get to the core (Your True Self)

2. Understand that getting into a relationship in recovery is like pouring Miracle Grow on your Character Defects.

3. You cannot work on relationship issues if you are not in a relationship.

4. True intimacy is when you can share who you really are with another person and they with you. This REQUIRES a connection with your True Self.

5. Relationship Mind games come from sharing your false and invented-self with each other.

6. It can be worth it! But it takes a good rule of thumb is to accept each others limitations as long as you see an effort from your partner - if you are doing all the work, it will never work.

Mar 06, 2012
go for it
by: Anonymous

Yes, it seems the wounding goes on. Codependency as a disease also involves making some good choices. Make sure the guy is willing to work with you and he in turn can be willing to work on his stuff. Apparantly if you can find a person that has a good 80% character- then that's a great person! Go for it Jeanette, you can do it.

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