I thought I was done with child abandonment issues
I had purchased the Thawing series about 3 years ago and just started reading yesterday. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression pretty bad over the past 2-3 months. I have done a lot of grief work over the years. I’m 59 years old and have gone through therapy with three different therapist for approximately 10 years combined. My mother died when I was ten years old from a genetic disorder Marfan Syndrome. I have 3 siblings diagnosed with the syndrome also. I am the oldest child and I escaped inheriting the gene. When my mom died I became a mini adult/parent to my siblings.
My father was incapable of taking care of 4 children under 10 years of age. Needless to say, it was a really bad dysfunctional situation. I remember feeling really fearful and worried and all I could think about was someone dying in my family. I stopped going to school in the 5th grade. I had a lot of stress and worry though I didn’t know what I was feeling as a child and there was no one to guide me or help navigate the trauma I was going thru. Taking on the caretaking role as I’ve come to realize, was my way of coping and dealing with the grief. I shut down my feelings and became a feisty child/adult.
Two years after my mother’s death my father remarried. I went to summer camp that year and when I came home he told me that he got married and we would be moving in with my stepmother and her 3 children. At the time I felt happy about it and relieved that I didn’t have to be the parent anymore.
The first year was pretty good. I was making friends I liked my new school and felt like a kid again.
My stepmother was nurturing and I had grown to love her. When I was fourteen years old my stepmother became a complete stranger. She stopped cleaning the house and her behavior became very abusive. She would throw my father and his kids out of the house on many occasions in a rage that was scary. My siblings and I would sit for hours in the car while my father begged her to take us back. She would take us back. But each time she was becoming more Bizarre. She would lock my sister and brothers in a bedroom all the time and would only feed us when she felt like it. My father stood by and did nothing. They both completely stopped taking care of us.
When I was about 16 my stepmother told me that they were moving and I could live with my best friend because there was not enough room in the new house. I left and went to my friends house and she asked her mom if I could live with them. I felt relieved but very worried for my siblings. I completely shut down and was using drugs, smoking pot everyday before school. I was numb.
My father and stepmother did not have addiction problems. I never saw alcohol at all. It would make more sense to me if they did.
I’m running out of space to share the rest of my story but in a nutshell the next ten years where full of substance abuse and denying my feelings and situation. I had a boyfriend that would beat me up and he raped me several times. I was falling apart at the seams.
I got the courage to leave him and got into therapy for the first time. My life got better and I married a wonderful man whom I have been with for 30 years. I had more therapy during our marriage. I had a baby and went into postpartum depression for 2 years. I feel I need more healing but so resistant to it. I started reading the Thawing series and had an epiphany. God led me to this website and now I am ready to do the work again.