I need outside advice

by Stephanie
(Bloomington IN USA)

My husband and I have been together for 25 years often on we recently got back together and move back in with each other. And I'm having problems. I am having trust issues and he spends all of his time in the garage or at work and when you get time off chooses to spend it with others. He's recently become close again with the sister who does not like me and it seems as if his view of me has changed drastically . He stays up all night in the garage, night after night. He frequents porn sites (daily) we are not sleeping in the same room or in the same bed and obviously not having sex is often as we used to.
He insists his time and what he's doing doesn't matter that I'm petty but I feel I don't get enough attention. He's recently told me him and his sister feel I have mental illness and that I am making up stuff in my head . I am not I have a sounding board and friends other people see it. I will however say that I am in. Menopause and I am in a horrible wreck I have seen Dr. I'm trying to take care of it in with OCD anxiety ridden we have a spotless clean house that's where I invest my energy . Or knows I've got the time something on my own 90% of my at home life. I do have trust issues because 10 years ago when we were together I found out he had been talking to an ex girlfriend every morning on his way to work his entire lunch break and every evening on his way home from work for weeks and it upset me and he said it didn't matter and it wasnt my business - again I was being petty and jealous and I couldn't hear you friends with her. I don't know if my mistake it was not coming knowledge it was obviously kept for me. Am I crazy to want to work things out ? Recently the thought occurred to me that he will never love me I think highly enough of me to treat me the way I need to be treated and we will constantly have these issues. The latest fight is over him going 70 miles to have lunch with his cousin who hadn't seen for 15 years and had recently been spending time on the phone with. He left out that's where he was going, didn't answer any texts or calls from me the entire afternoon- skipping getting our already late rent payment to the landlord- which could end our lease. Again he makes it about me being jealous of him having lunch with cousin versus keeping the truth from me. (One of many hidden truths/weather intentional or not)

Please tell me if I am just completely disillusioned when I feel he has wronged me? Am I fighting for something already lost? He's coming to talk so we can make a plan to work on it or a plan to end it.

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Feb 16, 2017
Question Marks...
by: Don

Hi Stephanie,

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. In therapy or coaching sessions, when someone asks a question like the ones I quoted from your post below, I ask them to take the question mark off of the question, replace it with a period, make it into a statement, and then say it out loud... If the resulting statement feels true and/or real when you say it out loud, it probably is. If it doesn't feel true or real then it probably isn't. Here are the questions, give it a try:

"Please tell me if I am just completely disillusioned when I feel he has wronged me?"

"Am I fighting for something already lost?"

Hope this helps,
Don Carter

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