I just want to be happy...

by lucy
(south Africa)

All my life I have grown up knowing that I was adopted. As a young girl I never did quite understand what that meant,it was just a fact I grew up with in my mind. As I grew older - I began to grasp the concept of 'being adopted.' With the understanding of the concept came feelings of worthlessness,shame,abandonment,inadequacy. I entered into my teenage years,and everything,mainly my mental health,was shattered.

My father and I never saw eye to eye - we still don't. There have been times where he's physically hurt me. My mother suffers from severe depression,I have one adopted brother and a brother from the my adoptive parents. At age 12,going on 13 - I began experimenting with sharp objects. I became fixated with the idea of inflicting pain on myself. I have never been able to stay in a relationship,neither have I been able to engage in relationships with decent people.

I went to a rehabilitation centre when I was 17...I left school and spent a month in the programme. I've seen many different therapists, been in and out of hospital,I've been medicated...today I am 24 years old,I still self mutilate and I feel more alone than I have ever felt. I am studying and I have a job,I hide my true self well. I struggle to make friends or to engage in relationships - as I don't trust people. Not one bit. Abandonment issues? Is that what I need to focus on and deal with?

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Aug 06, 2012
And More...
by: Don

Hi Lucy,

Yes, abandonment is the original pain that leads to serious issues with trust, safety and even self-care. all of the symptoms that you mention from difficulty trust to self-mutilation scream "SOMETHING IN HERE NEEDS ATTENTION!"

But very few people hear the cries for help, and those that do usually turn away because they don't know how to help... so, even more abandonment accumulates.

The worst kind of abandonment is the kind where we don't take steps to heal the trauma. You are here, you have gone into the hospital, you have not given up. Keep at it and if you have questions or need suggestions let us know.

I have been away working on other projects to help people with abandonment & trauma issues but now I have more time to help answer some of these posts.

Keep in touch,

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