I just can't let go

I was almost 13 years old when I last saw my father. His last words to me, I'll see you next weekend....next weekend never came. I was just starting high school when my father decided he was no longer going to play a role in my life. As a child I always thought my dad was going to save me. He was going to make everything better, but nothing got better.

I was nine, my dad was in jail when I had my first thoughts of suicide. He was gone and couldn't save me. I had such resentment for my mom. She always had to be the bad guy in my father absence. My father was in and out of jail throughout my childhood which was probably worse then just being gone. He would come and raise my hopes then disappear for months or years at a time.

I have felt incomplete for years...I have missed him for years. Everyone told me to forget him, that I should hate him, but I couldn't. I have been left with a need to find a reason for my father abandonment.

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May 06, 2010
My Heart Goes out to You!
by: Kathleen D. Cone

Dear, I just can't let go

I can't even say that my story in regard to my father, even comes close to not having a father at all.

My heart truly goes out to you! What it must have been like for you to have grown up without a Dad or a father in and out of jail.

I can understand completely why you don't want to let go and there is no hurry.. You will be ready to do what it right for you when the right time for you comes.. no sooner, no later.. that's what I call grace in this world. That our minds and hearts know the right time for each and everyone of us. And when or even if, that time comes.. you will know...

But, I can share with you a little about my story that might help you. For years and years (decades) I tried to get my father to love me...I would be the best person I could. Show him how I'd accomplished important goals. Try and get him to pay attention to me and nothing ever worked. It was like I was invisible, except when he decided to say something critical to me about myself.

It wasn't until one day, I ran into the real estate woman who was selling our family home and she said to me "You know, you remind me of myself when I was your age, trying so hard to gain my father's approval." I was in my mid to late 30's at that time. Yet here I was still trying to get him to love me...

Then one day I realized that my father was not intentionally denying me love. I realized he wasn't able to love. Not because of anything I had or had not done, but because of what had happened to him in his lifetime. In a sense I was always hoping my father would save me too. But he could not save me, he could not even save himself.

I think in life it's very important to understand why things turn out the way they do.. that humans are designed to seek out and find answers to questions and the questions you have the desire to know ... well, I would want to know to...

But, before I would do a search to find my father I'd get myself into a support group and with an individual counselor so that I'd have people who knew what I was going though to be there for me when I decided to search out the answers to questions that might be very hard to understand and that way protect and love myself in the meantime.

You do not have to hate your father... hate is an ugly thing. Love is love and it is normal for child to love their parents, so hate really isn't the answer. Understanding is..

But, Understanding starts with loving yourself first, so you are strong enough when/or/if the time comes.... at which time.... you will be ready to know...

With the deepest of compassion, *Kathy

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