I am trying to understand how my family break up has affected me in my adult life and why

My parents split when I was 12 years old. I was forced to remain with my father and to look after my then 5 year old brother. My father was a volatile angry little man with a huge chip on his shoulder. He was very intimidating and verbally violent although he never hurt me physically. He drank heavily and I came to the conclusion many years later that he may have been a alcoholic. He treated with me with scorn and derision said I would never amount to anything and that all women including my mother were no better than prostitutes!

I escaped into art and still paint now with some success. I have been a driven man all my life and never satisfied. On my headstone will be the words he was a happy man but he never knew it! I have had the support of a marvellous wife and have three children and six grandchildren. I am insecure, worried, restless, insomniac, frustrated and feel that time is running out in which to be a success in the art world. I struggle to concentrate and my memory retention is nil.

Because of my insecurity and drive I have been very successful in business to Director and GM level and run three of my own business's. I feel that on the creative front I am held back and cannot find my style or niche in my work so I thrash from one course or tutor to another for years. Yet I have sold my work and everyone is very complimentary.

I am currently reading The Van Gough Blues by Eric Maisel and so far it scares the hell out of me because I recognise so many issues and yet never thought of or saw my self as a depressive person.


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