I am trying to learn and stop enabling behaviors

by Bonnie
(AZ)

I HAVE A 23 YEAR OLD SON, WHO IS AN ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT. THE FAMILY IS IN AN UPROAR REGARDING THIS. WANT HIM TO GET HELP, BUT EXCUSES SEEM REAL AND VERY SLIPPERY. WANT TO KNOW HOW TO STOP ENABLING HIM, AND WHAT I AM DOING THAT IS ENABLING.

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Sep 20, 2011
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enabling grown children
by: Grandma

I watch as a mother of 70+ with LUNG CANCER sends her daughter(50) BOXES of cigarettes and in turn that mother gives her grown son of 30+ cigarettes and allows him to stay in her home, rent free and she feeds him etc. as he does nothing(he has a job) he has 2 children(divorced) that he gets every other weekend and he spends ridiculously on them and then has "no money" for other things. I would like to show my daughter-in-law how she is enabling, and her mother is enabling. We are here with her because my son asked us because he is in Antarctica for 7 months. We were doing most of the work and then the son moved in and he expects us to do the same for him! I refused and they got very upset with us. What is the best way to do this?

Dec 17, 2010
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Enabling Rule of Thumb ....
by: Anonymous

A good rule of thumb to remember is this:

Helping someone is doing something for them that they are unable to do themselves. Enabling, on the other hand, is doing something for someone that they are capable of doing themselves, but don't.

Buying them beer or liquor or cigarettes. Giving them gas money, etc. when it puts you in a bind and they are just lazy and don't want to be responsible. Once something is tolerated, it continues. Everyone must have consequences to suffer and repurcussions for their actions.

Allowing a person to take advantage of you over and over is enabling. Stop and think about what you do for your son that he is capable of doing. What have you done that makes you feel angry when you do it? The anger is from knowing inside that you are being taken advantage of. Not voicing this or making other arrangements is enabling.

If he needs something and needs money, make him do some chores or projects that you need to have done and pay him for his time. Get something back in return for what you do or for any money that you are out.

Good luck !

Sep 09, 2010
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Enabling Behaviors
by: Don Carter

Hello and welcome to the forums! Sorry it couldn't be under better circumstances for your family. Below is a link to a page that has lots of info about enabling (copy and paste it into your browser:

https://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/enabling_behavior.html

Below this one is a link to my page on how to Intervene in your son's problems...go to the links at the bottom of the page for tons of information:

https://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/addiction-intervention.html

Feel free to come back here and ask specific questions about what you learn. We will be glad to try and answer them!

God Bless,
Don

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