Here I am.... again.... part 2

by Jonquil

So, for two years, I stopped calling and just lived with the abuse.

And you want to know what he says about keeping me from calling the cops when he abuses me? He says he's just trying to prevent me from going to jail for filing false reports....

And what has made this worse is the abuse has at times aggravated my illness and sometimes made me seem to indeed be "the crazy one". Like the day I tripped and fell on top of him and he fell down at his mom's house... a total accident I felt bad about... his entire family started in on me... so I panicked and ran, and in the process, I forgot where I was, what my name was, and most importantly what my home address was. I wondered in to someone's yard barefoot (I lost my shoes while running) asking for help, and they called the cops, and of course, well... you know the rest.

Or the time I was on the edge of a recovered memory and I was trying to pace myself slowly so it wouldn't be too traumatic... he started talking about skyclad people, and when I asked him to stop because it was triggering he started arguing with me about why the word skyclad would be triggering... the memory broke free a few minutes later, sent me running all the way home... when he got home, he met two new and very traumatized alters. He had been told NOT to try to play parent to any alters, but that's exactly what he did. And worse, once I had recovered, he kept calling me by their names even though he knew it was me standing there. Don, you know the problem with this... and he wasn't entirely stupid about DID, either.

He also argued with almost everything I read about DID and everything my new therapist had to say about it because he took two psychology classes in college. He claimed it wasn't real. He claimed I wasn't diagnosed with it. He claimed I didn't have a therapist. He claimed dissociation, self hypnosis, and meditation were all the same thing. He claimed everyone had an inner world with alters. He claimed everyone dissociates and not just abused children. He claimed there were no genetic links with dissociation (i.e. a dissociative parent couldn't possibly pass the ability to dissociate down to a child... and while to my understanding the genetics are not quite yet understood, there has been a link established in that most dissociative people have at least one close relative that suffers from it as well). He claimed that recovering memories was useless and there was no reason why a person shouldn't be able to integrate without the memory work. He claimed that it was impossible for him to have made that situation with the repressed memory any worse by talking about skyclad more, that as soon as he mentioned skyclad once that was all it was going to take for the repressed memory to break through and there was nothing either of us could do to slow it down. He would claim I was hallucinating when I knew I was not, and he would tell me lies to alter my perception of reality then later deny he said anything and that I was hallucinating (for example, a neighbor started setting off fireworks late one night, and he told me it was my mom doing it, then later denied he ever said it). Oh, I could go on and on and on. Like how I would sometimes get lost in inner world, and he would stay up, then he would go to sleep the next day, and leave the care of our son to me... day after day after day sometimes... I would go an entire week or more without sleeping hardly at all and all of the alters struggling to deal with our son. Or, the most heart breaking thing of all, when he decided without any real life reason that his dissociative wife was a danger to our child because "bipolar people snap all the time and kill their children", and would not let me go near him.... he would sleep all day and put our son in his bedroom and would not let me go feed him or play with him or touch him or anything. That really did a lot of damage to us. We're all scared to get close to him now... we're all scared it's only a matter of time before he's taken away from us again because we're considered to be dangerous even though we haven't done anything wrong. We are all scared we're going to hurt him without meaning to or trying to, because we're all scared he is right and we are not fit because we are different.

*deep breath*

It's ok now though. I've got an injunction, and that will work for me in court when it comes time to divorce. Every time I was Baker Acted DCF investigated me and found me to be a very good parent. That's got to count for something too. He was investigated once by them for domestic violence, they referred him to counseling and after they closed the case he quit going. I never quit or refused any of the services they offered me. I have a home. I have income. I have a clean record. He does not. And with the domestic violence, it's not just my word against his. Multiple police reports were filed by other people that noticed the abuse. I just got to keep telling myself it's going to be ok.

Anyways, thanks for listening. I love how this place gives me all the room I need to rant, and no one ever complains. Please keep me and my son in your thoughts and prayers, and send good energy our way. My son has been developmentally injured by both the witnessed abuse and the abuse he experienced, but I think he's going to make it through ok. He's still very young, and fortunately I have been able to keep him happy and energetic despite the developmental lapses. I encourage him to talk to me about his feelings, and I do my best to explain things to him in a way he can understand. I never justified my husband's behavior, and always told him, "yes, daddy shouldn't have done that. it's not a nice thing to do. and it hurts people. he made a mistake, and he should apologize for it." Then I would approach my husband and tell him what our son was saying (usually something like daddy doesn't like me, daddy doesn't love me, daddy is going to hurt me), that I think what he did was wrong and that he should apologize. Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't. Either way I have tried to establish with my son what behavior is not acceptable, that bad behavior is not always intentional, but that when it happens the person who does it should apologize for it. I don't really know how to express to him that they should also strive after the apology to not repeat the behavior... he's four years old... maybe someone here has an idea on what I can say.

Ok, I am thoroughly exhausted now. If you've read this far, thanks for hanging in there. I know this has got to be incredibly long. God bless you all!

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