Here I am.... again.... part 1

by Jonquil

I think I went by xmkx on here.... I don't remember.

Either way, I am back. Again.

*sigh* My diagnosis has changed. Again. First it was bipolar, then it was codependency, then back to bipolar, then I thought I had dissociative identity disorder but couldn't find any mental health professionals that would listen to me, then it was schitzophrenia, then it was back to bipolar only this time with psychosis added on, and now.... I am actually officially diagnosed as someone with dissociative identity disorder, and just started therapy with one of today's leading experts on the illness.

That's not why I'm back here though. I'm back here because my husband turned physically violent again, and I had to get a restraining order. And I realized today that I am *STILL* codependent/enabling. Or rather, that I went back to being codependent/enabling.

Before this all went down he stole a bunch of money from our family's funds for bills and conned me in to spending several grand on him. He cheated on me too, and never stopped in the entire four years that we have been married. Oh, he took breaks and claimed he was recovered, but he went right back to it. And he was never fully honest about any of the times he was caught. In fact, I learned to stop telling him everything I knew in the end because he would just use what I knew to hide his activities better the next time, and he would also take advantage of it and lie about everything I didn't know, knowing there was no way I could prove him wrong.

Now he claims that the only reason I filed a restraining order against him is because we had an argument. He denies all the abuse that he used to tell me was my fault. It was very hard to break this off. He insisted that he was happy, even though he didn't act happy. He insisted he was in love with me, even though he didn't act like he could care at all about me - or our son for that matter. He would threaten and physically restrain me to keep me from going against his wishes, yet claimed he had no desire to control me and that wasn't controlling behavior. He would even threaten me and then claim what he said wasn't a threat. It's so dizzying the amount of manipulations and spins he put in my mind... we were a team, therefore we should work together to fix the problems in our marriage (when I was the only one that even seemed to be trying)... I was responsible for the abuse because I pushed his buttons too much... we belong together, and if we can't make it work with each other we'll never be able to make it work with anyone else (we've been close to each other and dated on and off since we were 13)... etc....

Probably the most shocking of it all... we were having an argument and I went to the drawer to pull out a knife to cut up some food... as soon as I opened the drawer, before I could even identify which knife was in my hand, he grabbed the knife and started fighting me for it (it turned out to be a super sharp filet knife). I fought back because I was so scared with the way he was struggling that he was going to cut me, and I kept telling him I would let go of the knife if he let go first, that I was scared he was going to cut me. He insisted I let go first... so I did... and he sliced my finger to the bone. I still have no feeling in that finger because he cut all the nerves, and if you feel my finger you can feel these little strings inside which are my severed nerves (ok, probably tmi but.... yeah, it's not comfortable, and I will have to live with the pain and discomfort for the rest of my life). His excuse? He thought I was going to cut. But ironically enough had I been planning to cut if he would have just either a. let me go or b. called 911 the very most I would have suffered would have been some very mild cuts similar to cat scratches. And I have no idea why he thought I was going to cut in the first place since it's not exactly something I do in front of anyone.

He used my mental health as a cover many times for the abuse. He would physically restrain me, reasoning that I was going to hurt myself... when I would just be trying to get out of the house away from him. One time I tried to get out of the house and he ripped my shirt off as soon as I started out the door.... of course that scared me, so I tried to run more, and he dragged me inside and physically restrained me with the reasoning that I was trying to go outside without a shirt on.

If I managed to call the cops on him without him smashing my phone, he would tell them when they got there that I was being a danger to myself and him and needed to be Baker Acted (forcibly put in a mental hospital for observation and possible treatment), so that's what they would do. I let him come over one weekend and he decided he was going to stay... that's when he started keeping me as a hostage inside the house... I managed to get out while he was asleep and call the cops from a neighbors, but when I told them that he was keeping me hostage they said I made no sense, and did nothing. Well, this is the thing. The apartment I was in I only got because I was a domestic violence victim, and my lease agreement was that until he got a note from the counselor saying he was in the clear he could not live with me. He could visit, but not live there. If they found out he was living there, they would kick me and my son out. So anyways... I tried calling the cops again, and this time just said that I needed them to get him out of my apartment. When they arrived he told them that he was living there, so they started harassing me about it. If we make him leave, we're giving the report to the public housing authority and you will be evicted. Why did you let him in the house? (Well, there was nothing saying that he couldn't come in my house, he had been doing fine with counseling for six months, so I didn't really think it would hurt to have him come over) We can't help you if you let him in the house. Etc. I finally said oh screw it I don't care if I live or die any more and guess what they did? Yup, Baker Acted me. It was considered a suicide threat. (continued in part 2)

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