by Ssmith

My problem started with my childhood; from a young age I lived with my grandmother, since my parents never really stayed together. I grew up feeling neglected. My mother would travel and send money so we had enough to cover our needs.

My first memory of my strange father comes to me when I was 2. I didn't remember who he was so I was extremely scared. I used to hide when I knew he was coming over. I actually never trusted him completely. A part of this because of his absence, the other was because of my mother who used to tell me he never loved me. She used to tell me the first thing my dad said when he saw me as a new born, was that I was a really ugly baby.

All those words I carried with me. Resenting more and more that man. I also hated that he was never in my life, he didnt know the pain i felt. Going to school and hearing my classmates talk about their fathers; it was hard to see their perfect families. I felt like god had forgotten about me. That no one in the whole world cared. I cried a lot since I was very little. Still I never had the courage to tell my dad about any of the things that were happening at home.

I was very scared of my mother, she used to get in a lot of drama always surrounded by stress, stress that she would release on us by beating us for silly things. So i decided to have the courage to ask him if I could live with him he told me I could go to a boarding school, he didn't know how to raise a kid. Thats what I was for him just a kid. Every so often me and my dad used to go away, during those weeks away I always felt anxious.

Now my main problem is that I have develop a lot of Anger, depression and dependency. I blame it all on my parents, how irresponsible they were and still are. My life is a mess. I like to manipulate, lie and make other feels bad. I'm going to lose my boyfriend, I know that. All because of my attitude. I don't know how to behave among my boyfriends friends, I constantly feel lonely. I have no friends of my own. I feel like people are going to mock me. I'm always protecting myself from getting hurt. I can reach very deep depressions and cry and feel worthless. I want a real life, perhaps one day get married and have kids, but I know it won't happen if I don't get any help.

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