Have I done something wrong?

by Carolyn
(Jefferson City)

"I have never felt good enough. Nothing I do is good enough. If I would just....."

I come from a very dysfunctional family, my birth family and my current family. Life just was, until my teenage son started with drugs and alcohol...My world as I knew it came to an end.

After years and years of co-dependent behavior, thinking I was going crazy and just being miserable I finally sought help. A wise man listened to me, after about 10 minutes he gave me a few suggestions but then asked me when I was going to get help for myself. What do you mean help for myself? The problem is with my son not me. He just smiled.

I finally was able to talk with someone about my childhood. The greatest thing that I have learned is that none of this is my fault. How else could I have turned out after what I went through?

Going through this process has been very painful. I can now see how most of the issues that I have now go back to what I went through as a child. I have shed more tears than you can imagine. But I can now see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I still have a lot of work to do, I have to take one day at a time, but I know with continued work and the continued support of Don and all my support groups that eventually one day I will be able to love myself.

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Nov 08, 2009
It touched me
by: mxkx

When you said what you did about none of it being your fault I went to pieces myself. It took me a while to self soothe myself back down. But... it just... it felt good to cry like that for a little bit. And it felt good to actually soothe myself down instead of just abruptly stopping myself short and regaining my composure. I hugged myself and I rocked myself back and forth a little bit and told myself it was ok and not to fight it.

And I found out that fighting it, I mean choking back the sobs and trying so hard to get it under control, it actually just makes it worse. It suddenly dawned on me that when I was supposed to count as a child in order to get a panic attack under control I wasn't supposed to actually have myself calmed down before I got to 10. I was probably supposed to use it as sort of chant to calm myself down and count for as long as I needed to.

I have a vague memory of my grandma always being able to get me to calm down during a panic attack through counting but my mother's counting always seemed to make the panic attack worse. Maybe I somehow got the message mixed between them, or maybe they conveyed different messages about it to me. Unfortunately I can't remember.

Nov 04, 2009
Have I done something wrong?
by: Dorothy

You are on the right path just continue to keep the faith and your participation in the groups will lead you to the place of serenity. Sadly many families experience what we are going through.

Stepping up to the plate and seeking help in recovery is such a wise decision and choice. I just wish it would be a priority in schools to teach the fundamentals of emotional preparedness to students so this could be passed on to help our children/grandchildren cope better.

Growth in recovery will bring about the healthy process we are striving for. Just stay positive. Speak affirmations and surely we will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Nov 03, 2009
The Courage to Change the Things I Can...
by: Don

Thanks Carolyn...your post is as courageous as your efforts at recovery! I'm sure it will connect with many others who eventually visit these forums.

It will be a great thing watching your posts as you go through this process of recovery...as well as the comments that begin to accumulate as your courage finds its way out into the world and touches someone who can relate.

Then that person can start a conversation about how their recovery began because of reading this entry. Even if its only one other person it will be worth it!

Keep coming back and keep sharing! Your message will find its way.

Don Carter

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