Funeral grief

by Mrs. S
(Jefferson City, MO)

I'm finding that I get more emotional at funerals then I would like and would like to control this and even more, want to understand where this is coming from.

I noticed an increase in these feelings at a friends father's funeral, after he passed away from prostate cancer. My dad had the same cancer a few years previous to this, and I felt that it was too close to me, that THIS could have been me in my friends shoes, and I too could have lost my father. Recently, I went to a friend's Mother's funeral and again, the pictures came out during the services, and it hit, this overwhelming wave of emotion that I could not stop. This woman had been a huge part of my life for 18+ years as a neighbor and childhood friends mother, but why did this hit me so hard?

I'd like to get in touch with my feelings on this to decipher if it's really the loss of this person, or could it be because of a recent awakening of childhood abandonment that these deaths bring up a time that I thought was happy, but recently found they they were not what I thought.

Thanks for your thoughts.

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Dec 26, 2011
by: Mrs S

Hello Anonymous, thanks for sharing, I am so sorry for your recent loss. I've found that these endings or beginnings of life without someone take such a long time to work through for me.
Just this weekend my husband who lost his Mother this past year, was talking with me about his father, and wondering if he had ever made his father proud? Suddenly the sadness and abandonment came over me, and I began questioning the same thing.
Because I have found the abandonment or loss issues to be stronger than I once thought.....I find I am unable to be there for others as I would like, so I know I have much more to work on.
Life is an ongoing process and I've found I have a lot of work to do to become "whole" and healthy for myself and for my family sake.
Good luck with your journey and write again when you can.

Dec 25, 2011
by: Anonymous

My dad just died the 23 of Nov. 2011, the day before thanksgiving. It has triggered a lot of grief, from anger to sadness, I know it is not just his death, but there are alot of abandonment issues with him, and other men too. So ow I am feeling it all, it has been frozen, and is now thawing, and it doesn't feel good, but everything I have read on the subject clarifies it all to me, and that helps me know that I can work it through, yes, there are very painful feelings that I was not able to feel as a child, so now, because I can deal with it, because I've been in recovery for many years, not b stuffing it, but by dealing with it as it comes up, and certainly not on my own, I am so grateful for all help and support from meetings, and any safe place I can express what I am feelings, so I can break the don't talk, don't feel, don't trust, in fact trust seems to be an issue for me right now, as I told someone that I did not trust him. It just came out of my mouth, without thinking, and I did not even know where it came from, but now I understand that it is part of the whole abandonment issue and, maybe does not belong to him, but now at least I am aware about all this, because I can make new decisions. I am grateful that this is a safe place to share my feelings as they come up. Today I have been feeling sad and lonely, so it is attached to the abandonment grief and the holidays. I am involved in 12 step meetings too. I use many tools to heal.

Don explained it so well, thanks Don.

Sep 16, 2011
Thanks for your posts!
by: Mrs. S

Thanks Don and Lisa for your postings, it's good to hear from others on these feelings and to take a look at it from another point of view.

I am always surprised at myself when these emotions "hit me", since it hits without notice, or forethought, and can hit harder than I would like, so I know in my heart that there is a relationship to the abandonment, or hurt from the past. I have seen this past year how strong these hurts and issues can affect my life today, years later. So yes....I will keep working on myself but truly appreciate your taking the time in writing to me.

Sincerely, Mrs. S

Sep 16, 2011
Abandonment = Loss
by: Don

Hello Mrs. S,

You brought up an excellent question. One to which every person who ever grew up in a less-than-nurturing-family can relate.

If we have abandonment issues we have unresolved grief issues. Abandonment = loss. When we lose, are losing, or have lost something important to us we must grieve that loss in order to heal and move on in our lives. If we don't go through a healthy grief process we can get stuck with what is known as complicated or unresolved grief. This is also referred to as "unfinished business" from the past.

If we have abandonment issues, whenever we encounter a new loss and begin to grieve, we are automatically connected to all of our unresolved grief from the past and can feel it all at once. I think of this is an Inner Child issue...

The Inner Child is good a holding out hope that SOMEDAY this part of us will finally get what was needed but was lost - unmet needs for love, approval, and/or nurturing. When a PARENT is the object of grief & loss, that unhealed part of us can have a strong realization that it is never going to happen - and panic can set in.

It is important to deal with abandonment issues so that we can heal from our ALL of our grief & loss so we will be able to achieve the final stage of grieving a loss - acceptance. It is the lack of acceptance and unfinished business that keeps us stuck, trapped, and in a panic.

One more thing - each time we encounter a loss we have a new opportunity to heal some of our current AND past unfinished grief because each episode connects us to all unfinished grief. So it's a great time to reach out to a counselor or clergy, or other helper to talk through and make the connections between right here-and-now & back there-and-then. In this way we can heal at our own pace.

But don't have to wait for a new loss to heal the past. We can get into recovery from abandonment issues anytime we reach out to someone who knows and can help. For more on Adult/Child grief, copy and paste the following link into your browser:

Take care and thanks for your question,

Sep 13, 2011
turning a page
by: Lisa

To turn the page of our lives can be joyous or sad. With age I think we realize how precious and fragile our existence is. Positive people in our lives have assisted us with acceptance. The loss of important building blocks just hurts. We feel the loss, the change in our own lives, even when we weren't ready for it.

Think its important to realize, there are friends we haven't met yet to compliment us. While sharing memories of others that impacted our lives for the better.

I can relate to your feelings, recently losing a family member and my dog within a week. Both a huge security blankets in my life. Can't say I've processed it all fully yet and its been 4 months. I am at peace knowing they are at peace with no pain. The hope of being reunited someday helps me. Hope I'm not fooling myself :)

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