Dying to live a true life!

It's complicated. I was born to adversity... love child... daughter of lies... mother emotionally handicapped, she married an abuser who made my childhood and adolescence pure hell. Abused emotionally and physically I tried to commit suicide at age sixteen. I dropped out of high school and ran away from home...lived here and there wherever i could find a place. I began to frequent a bar where (mostly married) men came to drink and pick up girls. I started sleeping around just because I needed to feel loved. I was worst than a prostitute. A prosti... charges for her services. I gave my body to whoever wanted me. I got involved with the bar owner who had a woman lover who started to seduced me. She was the first lesbian woman I met. I guess she liked both: men and women. I was so confused that I let myself get involved. The bar owner told me that he loved me. When they got separated I became his lover. Then we lived together and he wanted me to be with other women, which I did so that would not lose him. He was an alcoholic and after 3 years in our relationship he began drinking again. I wanted to have a baby so bad...but i could not. One day, I did. He began to use cocaine when my daughter was 3... and I was invited to do it many times, but I refused... until one day I did it and I was hooked. From that day on, my life became a living hell. Orgies, wild parties, I have seen and done things a girl should never do. Finally, one day after an overdose of cocaine, nicotine, and alcohol and 2 days without sleep, I had a revelation. I saw normal lady walking down the road with a baby girl about the same age as mine and I starting crying for my little girl, who i had neglected terribly for been in this life. I could not stand it. I knew if I wanted to save her and me, I had to leave my husband. It was ugly, he even threatened to kill me with a 9 millimeter. I was so afraid. I left him and got a job working for a car rental agency and I met a "Gringo" almost 29 years older than me. Six months later, I married him and he brought us to the USA. A lot has happened since then. I divorced him. Oh, I forgot to mention, that I had gone back to night high school and graduated when I was 7 months pregnant, and started classes at the university. When I came here and divorced him he agree to pay for our college as long as i continued having sex with him. I was dating my new husband and sleeping with my ex at the same time. I was almost graduating from college when I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. my boyfriend and i got married. He had two daughters from a previous marriage and i wanted really hard to love them. i wanted to have a normal family. but they were jealous of me and my daughter. I became a Christian and I got saved. Now I am separated from my husband because my girl had a baby and they live in a different city. So he and I agreed to separate while I'm helping her with baby. I am writing a memoir but i am afraid to expose my past because of fear of rejection. how can I overcome this horrible fear? I want to be truly honest in my writing and I want to express my truth. I don't want to lie!

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