Down and Out in the Boonies
(Kawartha Lakes, On. Canada.)
I Feel like a Dunce. I Moved here in July ... only because my husband insisted because it was cheaper living. We had been separated before that and I was eager (though apprehensive) to get on with our life together again. We had been separated for 5 months. So basically, I just went along with this move and renovation even though I did not want to live here. You should have seen this place when we bought it. He bought it site inside unseen if you can believe it. But he got it for $15,000.00 less but what a total Disaster zone!!! It is much better now but I still Hate it here and I knew I would, because it is too far from everyone I love, my kids, my family and my friends and my church. I did not have many options at the time. I did not want to support myself at 59 and risk losing any money from my husband...who used to be a decent guy sometimes. I am isolated here...now guess what... my husband left me. Guess what? I feared this happening and it did. He has been leaving me every winter for the last 4-5 years.
He has manic-depression. But I don't care and I do not care about him. He won't take his medication and hasn't taken it for a year... so no wonder everything is the way it is. I hate him right now. He is beyond belief to live with. I hate people with this illness too...that is the truth. Anytime I see someone with this illness, I really dislike them, even the look of them...because they remind me of all of the bad things about my husband that I have had to endure. I have found that I really don`t like the person that he is when he does not take his medication. I only like the person he is when he is on medication...BUT... I don`t really like the person he is on medication either because he gambles like a demon when he is on all of the medication and he smokes like a demon too. He is 65 years old. He has smoked and gambled for at least 40 years or more. He is so depressing to live with... all of the time. He has been so completely neglectful of me for years now.
So now he is gone and I am glad but I am also very lonely. God help me. Now what. Today was the first day in a week that I did not text him!!! Hooray!!!!!!!!!!! It felt good. I hope it really, really bothered him and upset him. But if not, at least I felt good about it. Today I wanted someone to beat him up for doing this to me again. I truly meant it, but if I heard he was in hospital, I would probably run like an idiot to help him or see him there. He was my first love. I was not his. He dumped his virgin girlfriend before he met me...after he had sex with her for a while. Did that clue me into the kind of person he was at the time...no no no I thought they just did not get along...it would be different with me. If I tried to write a thousand books, I would probably never be able to express the pain he brought to my life and my childrens lives. As well as many other people. Seeing these printed words just makes me shake my head at the truth of everything I, (we) have been through with him.
I do not know if he will come back because I had to coax him by constantly texting him to come back. It it took me 4 months to do it. I know his sister was dying at the time but he left me for all of that time to go to Alberta to be with his family. He never so much as left me two cents...no that is not true...he left me $75 dollars and left for Alberta. I could not afford to pay the rent or the bills myself and he did not. Deadbeat. So I had to pack everything and put it all in storage and go live at my sons house. I guess it was a super crisis for him but I paid the price for that and so did my children. I did not know where he had gone because the week before he left for Alberta...he went into a shelter to live. Why...he flipped out in the kitchen over needing food to eat and it was not ready yet. He left right after that incident. He took nothing with him, no clothes nothing.
Then he appeared at the door with two police officers a week later. I had filed a missing person report with the police two days after he left because I had no idea what had happened to him. They said he wanted to get his clothes. They knocked on my door and told me what he wanted. It was a shock to be awakened at 1:00 in the morning and he packed a bag and left. He had come to the house straight from the shelter where he had gone.
I did not realize that his sister was so sick because he did not tell me anything. And all that fall 2015 he fought and argued with me constantly. I tried to avoid him as much as I could because of it. He just spoke with his family alone in his car I guess. I knew his sister had been very unwell with cancer but things had seemed ok last fall and into early winter. I had just started a new job and was in training trying to learn everything I could about it. He told me I had to get a job, so I finally found one. During this time I believe he went off of the medication and he has never gone back on it. Life with him since then has been hard to believe.
He also knows so many different people and so many of them influence him to leave me...this is what he told me quite a bit. The so called friends he has are...awful people. They have no roots, no stability, no decency, some have no families, some are just the most depressing people you could ever imagine. I do not get it. Why would he want friends like that. It is not like he is introducing them to Christ and getting them to a good church or anything...because he does not do that. He just hangs and talks with them and lets them influence him, while he influences them. Maybe I will write a book someday about all of this. I do not know if anyone would buy it but I think I will write one if I can. That is I hope I could use book writing as a job. If I need another job then I will not be able to have the time to write a book about my insane life with a Manic-Depressive, Bi-Polar man. During all these years I have made many trips with him to the Dr. and the counsellor, to no avail. I never gave up, but he did.
Well that is all I want to talk about tonight as all of this typing is making me tired. So I will say good night and thanks for listening.