Don't Give Up Hope - PART II
...Here, I must talk a little bit more about my father. My father is and has always been violent. He's been like that since he's a child. Therapists believe it is due to his own abandonment issues. Sometimes, with no reason, he just starts screaming and smashing things. Most of the times he manages to get away from people before it happens, and I believe he has never hurt anyone. But because of that he has spent many years of his life in psychiatric hospitals. Now, he's taking mood stabilizers and almost never have any of those crisis anymore. This is something I disapprove, as I believe problems shouldn't be dealt with in the long run with medicine. But that's not the point.
My sister has had her share of problems as well. She's been on drugs, alcohol, and attempted suicide many times. She has the same kind of problems as my father: she's got mood swings and can act violent. This led me to believe when I was a teenage girl that I was like that as well, that it was hereditary. But I don't believe anymore that those kind of things are due to genetics. If we act like our parents, it is because of our subconscious mind. That's all there is to it. And I'm sure we can become friends with our subconscious mind.
I think those beliefs partly explain why I used to injure myself. When I was violent with myself, I wasn't violent with others. Nothing scared me more than being violent towards other people, because it would have meant that I was just like my father. Even now, violence is what scares me the most. I can't stand the mere idea of it. Control is my motto. I do know that it is not the best way to live, but I feel it's still too early for me to let go.
I decided things had to change when I was 16. I was tired of always being left behind. This time, I would be the one to leave. I left home and never returned. The change was immediate. I stopped injuring myself right away. I just didn't need it anymore. Things got way better. I saw my family once in a while, and I wasn't the one waiting for them to notice me, they were the ones waiting for me to call them. I realized they needed me as much as I needed them. Our relationship changed from that day and became a healthier one.
However, I'm still not over my abandonment issues. Recently, I heard something incredible from my father. I heard he left my mother because he was in love with another woman. I can't even start to describe how good I felt. I truly regret my parents chose to tell me they got divorced because they were always fighting. This other woman was the missing piece of my puzzle. Now, every time I feel fear coming back to me I tell myself : "He didn't leave because of you. He left because he was in love" -- And it works.
But there is still progress to make. I want to be able to trust people as much as they trust me, I want to be able to engage in a love relationship. I will soon turn 20, and when I look back at my life I feel like I've done a pretty good job. I like this feeling. With time, I'm sure I can do even better.
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