Confused and scared
I was adopted at birth to a loving family. When I was about 7 my parents divorced. I remember repressing my feelings about it. I also acted out (fights at school, vandalism, theft, etc.) even at a very young age. I grew numb, some might say stoic.
I switched houses every day between my mom and dad.
They were good people, but I feel like they just went on with their lives and I felt left behind. I was popular, had friends, good grades, etc. but I must have developed some issues. I'd never ask a girl out until I knew she'd say yes. I had and have fears of public speaking, was a peace-maker in the family fights, etc. but always thought I was well adjusted. 5 years ago my wife said she wanted a separation and I went into a deep anxiety and depression episode. We worked it out.
Recently I've had another episode, brought on by an intense fear of the unknown (left my job of 17 years to start my own thing and the insecurity is killing me) that has caused me to reexamine. I realize how much I fear of abandonment and anxiety about an insecure future has impacted me. 42 years of repression is coming to the surface and it isn't pretty. Is it possible that parental abandonment is at the root of my situation and my fears of an uncertain future?
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