Am I enabling my room mate?

by Lila
(Calgary, Alberta)

We have a room mate who is dating a woman who I believe is not right for him (they are both codependent; he is a rescuer and she is the victim).

Problem: Would I be enabling him if I let her come up for a couple of days to look after him after he comes out from foot surgery (I do not cater or babysit anybody). My gut tells me NO because if he just wants someone to babysit him and cater to him, that is not gonna happen in my house. The other side of me says, Yes because it is none of my business what happens between them and I should just put on a front and be nice to both of them and pretend I am okay with what he is asking of me when I am not.

My instinct says NO, but I just know his feelings would be hurt and although I KNOW I am not responsible for his feelings, I would feel guilty and I KNOW I shouldn`t.

She lives in another city and he commutes to where she is and he stays for days at a time. I do not know her and I do not trust people I do not know. My question is would I be the enabler if I let him bring this woman into my house to look after him because he wants her to (she caretakes and babys him).

I need to know pretty quick here. Thanks.

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Jan 25, 2010
by: Anonymous

I may be reading this too late, but if it's that important to both of them, let him go to HER place instead of yours.... WIN-WIN!

Jan 07, 2010
To Lila
by: Angie Carter

There are usually three questions I run any situation through before I make a decision. The first one is- Is it any of my business? The second one is- How important is it? The third one is- Can I do anything about it?

If I were in this situation and I ran it through the first question the answer for me would be no. It would not be any of my business if his girlfriend wants to "baby him" after foot surgery. That is their relationship and it wouldn't have anything to do with me. Just because he is a roommate of mine does not mean I have jurisdiction over his relationship.

Now, on the other hand if someone living in my home has behaviors that bring me harm or directly impact me in a negative way, then it's my business. But I don't have the right to control other people's behaviors and how their relationships are. Besides caring for and tending to someone after a surgery isn't exactly enabling. Sure, sometimes people can do things for themselves after surgeries or major illnesses, but it's okay to have other care for you for a time being in this since. In my opinion it's called nurturing.

I would encourage you to examine your inner self and see if there are any control patterns that you see happening in your life in regards to others. If there isn't any, no worries! If there seems to be, it could be beneficial to explore that.

Good luck!

Jan 06, 2010
You Know
by: Anonymous

It sounds like you know it wouldn't be.

But you may choose to make the decision based on other values.

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