Am I an Enabler?

by Annette
(Merritt Island Fl)

I met a lady who just lost her husband when he asked for a divorce. She has been drinking day and night.

I have a Husband and two kids and a home and job to attend to. I stayed with her for three weeks thinking she will snap out of it. She will not eat anything, not one bite of food! But wants to drink, she falls at least three times a week.

I don't know if I should just stop going there?
When I try to talk to her about her problem she gets mad and tells me not to preach to her.

I don't know what to do..

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Jan 11, 2011
by: Mr Recovery

Yes, you are an enabler.

Tell her that you cannot continue to see her if she continues in this unhealthy self destructive behavior. There is always hope and you must believe that she will see this and pull herself back up. You are not responsible for her behavior and breaking off your "friendship" will not be responsible for her behavior.

By drinking she is avoiding the pain of her own recovery. It is a common thing to do, but that does not make it right and usually, of course, will only make the problem appear worse.

Save yourself. She cannot be having a good influence on you.

Apr 22, 2010
My thoughs on "Am I an Enabler?"
by: Kathleen D. Cone

Since your friend just lost her husband and is acting out by drinking and not eating and is suffering with a real problem... outside of booze.. At this point in the process I would not consider it enabling.... she is in deep grief over the loss and it is like someone dying.. or a part of her dying... and she needs your help right now.. In my opinion.

If it continues on for months then that's different but I have seen this happen before and the person usually gets sick of being sick and drinking and snaps out of that part of the process of loss... but sometimes it takes as much as a month or even 6 weeks.....

give her some time... love her away... and possibly figure out how someone else she knows could help... not be judging her or telling her what she 'should or should not be doing' but simply by loving her right now....

You knew her before her husband decided to leave... try to keep that image of her in your heart.... and be kind in the meantime..

Once she is more sober... you can talk to her.. until then.. it's pointless.

But Don might comment with better advice... I defer to him because he is more qualified to answer.


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